Cleansing the doors of cinematic perception since 2006, or earlater

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

What's Eating You: FOOD OF THE GODS, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, JAWS OF SATAN, FROGS


Bert I. Gordon, one of the few schlockmeisters whose career spanned both the 1950s 'big bug movie' craze (Beginning of the End, Amazing Colossal Man, Earth vs. the Spider) and the 1970s Jaws eco-horror phase, comes to Shout trailing clouds of toxic bughouse glory in two new Blu-rays this week. Food of the Gods (1976) and Empire of the Ants (1977) are now deep black spanking HD new and they may just save your life --in event of giant pest invasion you at least know what not to do. Flanked with B-sides equal to their terrible majesty (Frogs for Food, and Jaws for Ants)they come to us in deep lovely HD blacks and sparkling color, after nigh under forty years of washed out who cared VHS grays. That's a good thing, for when all else fails (and it sure does), we can admire how now pink natural light beams through the willows and fields of murmuring hemlock. Shout treats these tawdry gems with the same reverence Criterion affords Kurosawa: those shadows in which normal size snakes and large ants hide are now so super deep they're darker than the starkest midday shadows, and the colors and finery-- oh oh my children. I like big bugs and I cannot lie, you know this.

Shout knows it too, for they preserve the subtle grain of real film stock so HD or no these still look like 70s movies. And that's what matters, for there's no reason for these two double features to exist--they are abominations in the eyes of God. But some of us, of a certain age and misanthropic disposition, need them like a mutant muskrat needs his musk. They deliver a kind of deeper vertigo-inducing version of nostalgia, a post-childhood dread Pavlovian trigger that gets us deep where other monster movies cannot reach.

All nonbelievers beware, however: for there are two problems with these films' coming to Blu-ray. First: the contrast between rear projection and overlays is even more very glaring than ever before: the splices and outlines between the humans and the amok nature backgrounds glow like filaments. Second: seeing any animal--even lower life forms like snakes and rats--killed, stunned, betrayed, abashed or even annoyed... is abhorrent to modern sensitized sensibilities. Partially because of movies like these (see my rant on Day of the Animals), part of the 70s naturalist horror kick, we've learned to care about nature. Now Humane Society stooges monitor every animal shot, but I sincerely doubt old Burt had one. To redress the wrong, and spare the sensitive unseemly sights, I've given each film an unofficial PETA rating. First up...



FOOD OF THE GODS
(1976) - Dir. Bert I. Gordon
**1/2 / PETA: *

Food has one of those weird casts that makes you wonder if the great Bert I. Gordon's obsession with giant little things and little giant things is the result of a vision disorder like strabismus that makes it impossible to tell how big or small something is vs. proximity (i.e. are children really small, or just far away?). How else can one explain his decision to cast the ever-squinting, frizzy blonde, cap-toothed, and suspiciously diminutive ex-child evangelist Marjoe Gortner as an NFL quarterback? Why, he's no bigger than a silent fourth down prayer! Yet there he is, right in the opening credits, practicing his throws on a frosty field (or is it pollution? Freeze frame!). Then he's off for R&R to a remote woodsy island with two of his teammate buddies to hunt on horseback. The ever-dependable Jon Cypher is one buddy, and the other is soon-offed by giant transparent wasps that look first like toys bouncing on a string and then like superimposed cartoons of wasps, and then--finally attaining opaqueness-- big rubber wasps carefully entwined in the zippers of his backpack.

Marjoe will not let that stand, he must have vengeance against the hive! And so the film is off and running. Old Gortner climbs into the self-righteous power trip seat favored by so many self-appointed leaders in crisis situations and is soon battling a giant rooster, more wasps, Ida Lupino as a farmer's wife and an angry Ralph Meeker in a black raincoat. Playing the rote capitalist, Ralph (looking bloated and hungover) is there to get a look at the white stuff coming out of the ground like bubblin' crude... the titular food, which might have profit potential as a growth hormone. One thing's for sure, it works! But without a rooster the size of a UPS truck (like the one Marjoe killed) there's nothing to keep the rats away, or the giant caterpillars from biting poor Ida Lupino's hand.

Gamely moving these big blood-doused rubber worms around in her hand, to try and get them to seem like they're wiggling on their own, Ida taps into the same 'go for broke' madness of Bela Lugosi wrestling the rubber octopus in ED WOOD / BRIDE OF THE MONSTER. Her moan of horror seems to encompass the entirety of her fall off the A-list into and into old age, an almost delirium tremens style moan of low key horror. So howl, Ida! You have found in your pain the consolation of its full expression; it is only for this expression that the pain was ever for...

...with teeth that could blind Erik Estrada

As Meeker's nonplussed secretary: Pamela Franklin disguises her British accent and real-life pregnancy (I'm guessing) by never getting out of her white leather trench coat (above), even indoors. That's gotta be it, for she was such a thin little hottie in The Legend of Hell House, just three years earlier, holding her own against seasoned pros like Roddy McDowall. Here she just tries not to act circles around ole Marjoe and to add what little pizazz might be added to lines of 70s corner-cutting bluntness like "I'd like... for you to make love to me." The much better-preserved Belinda Balaski, on the other hand, as a stranded camper, pretends to be pregnant, and young husband Tom Stovall worries about her as the rats start closing in faster than a zombie horde or a drunken Cornish lynch mob.

But then... endless shots of rats getting shot with pink paint in the face and body begins to weary the soul. I left the film feeling kind of sickened, the way I eventually got after having to feed Mina (my pet black king snake) a live mouse... every week, every week another death... the blood on my hands accumulating... I had forgotten all about that existential nausea until this film's inhumane climax.

For mauling Gordon's well-crafted miniature hippie vans and farm shacks with such aplomb, those rats deserved better.

Maybe they weren't killed or even permanently hurt, but the surprised, betrayed look in their eye lingers in a sensitive heart. As I wrote about Day of the Animals, part of the appeal of these movies (for me at least) tends to be in how the abstraction of the animal attacks (arms about to be bit suddenly appearing to have a pillow crammed under the sleeve; animal trainers doubling for actors; dogs wagging their tales even while growling and baring their fangs) gives the feeling the animals are just good-naturedly roughhousing, and if the animals know it's all in fun, so do we. Watching that all-in-fun look vanish in an instant in the startled rat eyes when they get pelted by the pink pellets drains the joy de vivre tout suite from Food of the Gods, that is unless you really hate rats. But hey, no one asks to be born a rat.

That said, many of the better overlays between miniatures, rats, and people still have a kind of chilling immediacy, and the giant chicken and rat heads that menace the cast, the giant caterpillar monsters that claw up poor Ida Lupino's game hand, and the hilarious climactic 'flood' when Marjoe blasts open the 'dam', all make this bad film shine like pure crap gold, the kind we wouldn't see again until Sharknado. God bless the Gordons, for all their sins... against the rats... future Indras, all.


FROGS
(1972) - Dir George McGowan
*** / PETA - **

I always thought Frogs rather overrated, but that was on the small screen. Its colors drab and faded by time and low res cathode rays, its lovely nature reduced to green and brown blurs offset by a sickly yellow for interiors and the tediously flat red white and blue of Ray Milland's birthday party decorations --I found it all quite demoralizing. Now that it's on the Blu-ray, the confidence director McGowan has in his Deleuzian hat tricks (i.e. for all the animal attacks we just see a person reacting, cut to b-roll nature shot, back to person's reaction, almost like the footage itself is attacking them) is justified. Now the voracious amphibian and reptile and insect footage is beautiful, creepy, and poisonous with ambiguity. The interior mansion shots that used to oppress my childhood with their faded Colonial drabness now glow with a sun dappled pink that gives the whole film a 'twilight of mankind' champagne pop cheeriness.

The lead protagonist here is laconic Sam Elliott (sans mustache) as Pickett, just an easygoin' nature photographer paddling around along the edge of the Florida's Eden State Park, snapping away at the nature when his canoe gets rammed by rich Brick-esque prodigal son (Adam Roarke) and his sexy sister Karen (Joan Van Ark), trying out their new outboard motor during a lull in their annual obligation to fulfill wheelchair bound patriarch (and pollutant enthusiast) Ray Milland's regimented birthday expectations. Soaking wet from his splash, Pickett is invited home to change and participate in the 'fun.' Deaths accrue via various (normal size) lizards, snakes, and arachnids as one person goes looking for the one who never came back from looking for someone else. Elliot's not as purty as Melanie Daniels, but he does all right as the stranger who ignites the natural world uprising. He's quite a guy. Even Milland's crusty patriarch likes him. All seems ripe for a hook-up for ole Sam, with either Joan or Adam, but the mansion is also besieged by frogs, croaking away at night, in a cockblock serenade.

Blu-ray image much better
Another plus: so the constant frog song can ring out proud, we're treated to the absence of composer Les Baxter's usual loungey helicoptering. Eerie silences cast a strange reverie-style mood over the proceedings. I'm especially grateful that Milland's wheelchair bound patriarch is more than a one-dimensional capitalist monster (as opposed to, say, Meeker in Gods). Instead, he's almost Ahab-like in his determination to carry through with the tradition of his birthday, irregardless of how many family members he's losing to the local alligators, frogs, snakes, and spiders. There's even a shade of Col. Rutledge from The Big Sleep in the bond between him and Pickett, each recognizing in the other a capable outdoorsy plain-spoken hombre.

Meanwhile, they even go for a racial subtext, as the black maid and butler share a coffee at night with the youngest son's black girlfriend and though, true to cliche, they're the first to insist on leaving to the mainland, they all go with dignity, common sense and concern rather than 'f-f-f-feets don't fail me now" cowardice.

The servants' leaving also signifies when the film really comes into its own, sort of like the climax of Orca or Jaws: now it's just the white man and the all devouring natural world, like it was meant to be, like Bronson and Fonda at the end of Once Upon a Time int at each other's throats with no witnesses, sides, or seconds, just like the old days. Not for nothing is the clan's name Crockett, this is the coonskin cap's revenge. No raccoons, but a snapping turtle devours a defenseless Lynn Borden; Sam Elliott bashes the surface of the water with an oar; Adam Roarke swims out to his boat after something chews off the line, and the gators close in. And then... well, the rest of the time we can savor the gorgeous willow trees, sun-streaked fog and mist, dialogue like "pollution control on the paper mill will cost us millions" dropped into normal conversation rather than underlined in thick script marker; and the incongruous mixture of wildlife that would only be caught dead down in Florida (like the New Mexican gecko). While we wonder how in hell they're going to pull off death by normal size frogs, and where that dog came from just in time for the very end, the film is already cueing up the credits. Poor dog. Where did he come from? Dogs never do get a break in horror, the frogs get the best of everything. Milland really needs a different record to play other than lame marching band music to convey his eternal defiance of nature, but that old devil AIP composer Les Baxter will have his pomp. 


EMPIRE OF THE ANTS
(1977) Dir Bert I. Gordon
***1/2 / PETA - N/A

Shore-swept toxic sludge has a curious effect on local ant-life; their pheromones are discussed in a foreshadowing prologue as "a mind-bending substance that forces obedience." What does that have to do with a slumming Joan Collins trying not to break a nail while rooking time share commitments out of a charter boatload of retired and/or attractive freeloaders? You'll see. Collins could learn something from those ants. Rather than seduce and coerce obedience through her pheromones, she berates and bitches at her potential customers in a brutal stereotype of the 'lady boss' who's hot but thinks she's even hotter. "You are terrific in the sack," she snarls at her lover lackey, "and that almost justifies the salary that I have to pay you." To the charter boat captain (Edward Power): "I'm paying damn good money to rent this boat!" Yeah, we get that. I'll defend the Joan Collins oversexed bitch in the boardroom capitalist to the end--she's one of the sexiest decade's most sexual icons-- but it would help if the writers had some notion how to make her sound convincing or Gordon had any skill directing actors. This on-the-nose stridency and jackhammer subtlety just makes her seem like she's in over her head - her sell is so hard it betrays the fact that it has never worked, and that she yells at herself in the mirror at night because she has no kid to bully and can't make her diamonds cry. Not that I'm complaining. Joan rules and Empire of the Ants is one of my guilty trash favorites. The paltry 3.8 score it gets on imdb.com might be enough to put casual viewers off their toxic feed but I'm betting that would go up to at least a 4.2 once detractors get a load of how vividly this tough old queen has cleaned her antennae for Blu-ray. Even if the dark shadows the drones used to hide in are now less dark, thus exposing the two contrasting film stocks, it's still the Plan Nine of giant ant movies. In sum, it is beyond perfect. Even scrubbed clean, those pheromones command obedience!


I'm glad old Bert didn't suss out the subtextual links between Collins' queen bitch and the queen ant, each trying to control the world around them, one through overacting, the other through pheromones. You can always depend on Gordon to keep things at a very primitivist level as far as adult behavior. In omitting all subtlety and nuance he creates a grand framework for our own projections.

Ideally, this comes too from the nostalgia effect, the dutiful attempt to create a cross section of America, so older stars and younger B-listers can intermingle and each get a chance at a scene. There's never enough time to rehearse, so the actors all seem like they're genuinely meeting each other for the first time, while at the same time having second thoughts about the whole venture. What crapfest did they sign on for? But there are no cell phones in the 70s, and there's no roads where they are, and no chance to call their agents and bark at them. That's fine, Bert thinks: USE IT!

So... the marooned cast all unconsciously angling for a Love Boat vibe: a frumpy middle aged office drone (Jaqueline Scott) who got fired after blah blah years for Mr. Blah, with nothing to show for her years but a blah blah, hits on the grouchy captain; a rich girl (Brooke Palance) wishes her lame husband (Robert Pine) wasn't such as a self-obsessed date-rapey coward; cute Coreen (Pamela Shoop) hits on the sulky pretty boy Joe (John David Carson) immediately after Pine tries to date rape her. And through it all Collins bellows through a bullhorn about where tennis courts will be and serves them more meals than in all of Troll 2. That said, the film wastes no time: the first casualties are swiftly followed by the giant ants storming the boat, which then has to explode to be saved and then, well the fire keeps the ants away, but well, then, it starts to rain. And then, well... dinner is truly served.

As for EXTRAS... Well, with all this gloriousness on display, it's a surprise that Gordon is so awkward and taciturn as an audio commentary guy. It's like pulling teeth getting anecdotes and when they do come they tend to be utterly banal, and often wrong, like saying Welles used Randolph Hearst's real name in Citizen Kane. Or the nonsense (hopefully) story of going down to Panama to shoot footage of these special kinds of fire ants, but their footage looks like normal nature show b-roll as all the other ant footage, and anyway every ant in the film is jammed up in ant farm, crawling against the glass (as above). Not that I mind; in fact I like the big fake ant heads here better even than the ones in Them! With their jet black little eyes and hairy heads (closer to the ground and scarier for being relatively smaller) and jagged mandibles--have a real grim dirty angry menace about them that's almost convincing. The Them ants just seem like robots, with mandibles that need an actor to climb in and hold on, the Empire heads look like not only will they tear you in half, they''ll leave you with a bad infection.


JAWS OF SATAN 
(1981) Dir Bob Claver
*** / PETA = **

Who'd of thought the second best film of the whole lot would turn out to be the most unknown, a bona fide gem of badness, a too-late entry in the Jaws-Exorcist ripoff hybrid race (The Car, Killdozer)? It's also known as King Cobra but Jaws of Satan is far more on-the-nose as to its cross-pollinated rip-off sources. Even more specific would be Jaws of the Omen. For as you can guess, the devil is a snake, in hiding since the druid days but allowed to return every 666 years or so. Expository dialogue lets us know that faith-deprived priest Fritz Weaver has descended from a bunch of druid burning Christians. "Considering your family history, father, I sure would like to have a look at that coffee cup" says the local soothsayer at a cocktail party--perhaps little aware that the then-current rage for coffee filtration renders divination fruitless. But soft! The devil is coming, slithering, because a snake in a big cage traveling on a train isn't scary on its own, it has telekinetic powers. It can even bite people just by banging its head on an 'invisible' terrarium (the director can't be bothered cleaning the plexiglass that separates cameraman and snake so we see all the tiny cracks and smudges). Satan then stops the train at the town where his old druid-burner descendant nemesis is currently incarnated in Weaver's sulky form and you can start counting the beats toward the inevitable showdown.

If Jaws of Satan was any good it would be terrible, but since it's not its terrific, because, you see, unlike other actors who channel their anger at their agent and the fickle ageist finger of Hollywood into their performance (such as Lupino and Meeker in Food of the Gods), Weaver refuses to to perform any other emotion than self-contempt and weariness. Every line feels like he's trying to do such a bad job he gets fired so he can go home and soak in a hot tub. "You know, God, he can be quite a trip too" he says to a nerdy kid who's clearly never gotten high in his life though is supposedly there for counsel for his 'problem.' Weaver's even less convinced of his own bullshit than we are. What good is it being a materialist priest? Glug glug glug... Hey, I know how it is. Drinking finds its own reasons.


Meanwhile, the Satan snake has motivated the local serpent population to action: deaths by rattlesnake bites mount; smaller cobras show up; an ancient text is read to Weaver by his credulous monsignor (Norman Lloyd, stealing the film) and soon Weaver's being chased around the local graveyard by the King Cobra in the dead of the afternoon, while all while normal late afternoon California life goes on around him, oblivious, and he's eventually forced to fight the King Cobra from an open grave while it tries to get at him through a gate. Only then doth Weaver seem awake-- and the sequence is so badass creepy it feels kind of natural, like it could happen to anyone. King cobras really do chase their prey like that, so I'm told.

The other star of the film, the Chief Brody role, is Gretchen Corbett (the spooky girl running around the graveyard in Let's Scare Jessica to Death) as the town's only doctor. Recognizing the big bite on the dead psychic's face is not indigenous, she calls in a good-looking young herpetologist (Jon Korkes) from the big city, but the gross, corrupt coroner has already burned the body, on the mayor's orders! A cobra loose in town could start a panic! And worse, could kill the buzz for the new dog track. It's going to be "the biggest thing that ever happened in this state." Damn, what kind of lame state are we in?
Applegate, Christina
And there you have it. There's also a very young Christina Applegate as the corrupt financier's daughter. She gets the film's only other spooky moment: wandering around the yard on a dark Lewton-esque night in search of her kitty.

But the devil, so to speak, is in details so ludicrous as to defy all explanation: the supposedly independent doctor lady Corbett needs herpetologist Korkes to ride to the rescue when a rattlesnake crawls into bed (she could easily throw a sheet over it) and when he finally arrives he needs to use five different snake-wrangling devices and a gun to finally dispatch it, only after pretending to struggle with it, for like six minutes, all so they can sleep together afterwards. Bro, if even after you have a loop around its neck and you still have to really fight against its power--and then, wait... wait... finally blow its head off (getting snake blood on the sheets), rather than throwing into a pillow case, and it's the kind of garden variety rattlesnake that even Ray Milland in a wheelchair could kill or incapacitate without looking up from his red white and blue birthday cake, then well, I''m not convinced you're going to be very good in bed either.

wait for it....
On the other hand, As Little Bonaparte would say, to err is human to forgive, divine. What bad 70s amok nature horror really needs is more guys like this, the catch-all expert who walks around and acts unfamiliar with small-town ways, or vice versa but then can't do his job anyway, and doesn't seem to know the first thing about his own area of expertise.

So now the couple is together, the evidence of something unusual going on is confirmed, but the mayor still ignores them: the dog race track grand opening must not be delayed. The "biggest thing to happen to this state" turns out to be the kind of cheaply rendered event that Aaron Spelling might stage for a Charlie's Angels episode: a dixieland jazz band and about ten extras mill around a sussed up high school track field. Naturally we expect a snake amok in a stadium, people fleeing and trampling children as they fight for the exit, Satan motivating the greyhounds to attack the band, etc. Instead, all that happens is Christina gets bit by a snake while looking around in the janitor's closet. And that's the end. I don't even think we see a single dog.

Meanwhile, Weaver, converted by his graveyard scare like a born-again Scrooge, tunes heavenly antennae to yonder caverns for the foretold showdown, shouting "SayyyyTANNnn!" over and over in a perfect imitation of Welles' Macbeth shouting for his footman "Seyton" in Orson's 1948 adaptation.
Great stuff. Aside from some real dead snakes and a distasteful episode involving a sleazy would-be rapist biker hired to terrorize Corbett, there's nothing to dampen the overall mood of joyful disregard as the film travels the pre-set pathways of its chosen namesake/s. And after the flames of righteousness have burned the reels away, all that's left is the wire that held the snake erect, like a thin little curse finger aimed right at those on imdb who gave this a 3.6. They might be right, but right only gets you so far. Jaws of Sayyyy-TAN goes farther, until it's off the board, onto the carpet, and the dog's got it.

A dog... finally. 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Chop wood, carry Sponsors: the MAD MEN Finale


This weekend's TV was momentous with AMC's crown jewel ending at the beginning of the glorious Free to Be You and Me 1970s. Don Draper finally hit bottom and was in the right place at the right time to surrender, couched in the loving heart of the American 12-Step share. After sneering through the consciousness-raising retreat center, ambling after the niece of his fake wife, the closest thing to a mother or lover he has left, and finally driving her away through his last straw / drowning man clinging. He's along for the ride, she splits on him, leaves him there, but it turns out he's the one who's finally ready. At last, utterly beaten, he's able to rise up and hug a shlemiel in a group therapy session. And that frees him. Dude, it happens. Don't quit before the miracle and the miracle only comes when you're so near quitting. When you get down so low you can finally launch yourself up from the bottom, and crack off the last few shreds of your toxic ego and rise, humble, beautiful, drenched in loving tears, the blood of the lamb. I been there!

So it was good omen that led immediately to what he had been looking for (unbeknownst to him or us), the perfect Coca-Cola commercial, one that would define the decade itself: a seamless interweaving of the mainstream popular plastic packaging, post-Aquarius encounter group openness, commercialization and open collar freedom, it offered a freedom beyond the boy's club sexo-alcoholic escapism of the Don Draper sixties. It offered a freedom that understood no one escapes oneself for long, and the minute you stop trying, start moving towards yourself in others, then joy comes dropping down like a cartoon anvil. Hugging the shlemiel (Evan Wood, below) is the first truly free thing Don's ever done, to release seven seasons worth of accumulated stress, of the Don Draper mask, the alpha male swagger, collapsing like a globally warmed iceberg and just hugging it out with a weak-chinned balding charismatically challenged schlub, the kind I used to be always mean to, fearing if I was nice they'd hang around and try to poach foxes, embarrassing themselves, chasing off foxes and cramping my style by association. Learning to recognize myself in them, to love even them unconditionally, was the biggest surrender I ever had to make. Part of me always knew it and hated to be reminded.


And just when you thought things were getting kind of wholesome, pure, believing the Aquarius line, it comes in fully with "I'd like to teach the world to sing" extended length commercial, played in full. Watching, transfixed, still moved, I could remember hearing that song everywhere in the 70s as a kid and when I was getting sober in 1998, detoxing at home alone, bawling to the "Thank You" video by Alanna Morissette, which was on constantly in the last days of music video-playing MTV. As she sang, I could literally hear and feel the iceberg in me finally melting enough that it just split and cracked open and dissolved, right in the midst of an AA meeting on a late Friday afternoon in 1999, triggered by my self-imposed humiliation over walking in late with squeaky shoes, toxins and sweat, laughter and tears and rose-tinted waves of gratitude all pouring forth like the incoming warm ocean. And the guy qualifying was just some old bitter ex-GI, ranting about how his true self is a crotchety old bastard. But he broke me. My true self could be a bastard too, and it was all right.

The Nordic Aliens bring their universal message

And to this last episode's credit there were no little montage vignettes woven in during the Coca-Cola commercial, no carousel pics of Betts and Don at the dance, or forward to Roger's third wedding, or Don getting the Clio for the ad. It's not even clear for sure if he came back to McCann and pitched his revelation, or ever went back at all, and someone else pitched it. And that's the genius, for in committing to meditation all that stuff ceases to matter --it's a new day, beyond duality.

And to me, my interpretation, he did pitch it. It's his career capstone. Because if he did, then the entire show from beginning to end makes a post-modern socio-historical Guy Debord meets Alcoholics Anonymous kind of sick sense. And it's so glorious to see how the show really understands these kinds of breakthroughs, as of course no actor is worth a damn unless they've already worked through a lot of it. And moments like these remind us that being able to act deeply emotional 'true' stuff hinges on such unrelenting self-honesty. And that's how fiction ends up being truer than truth. How Don is as a fiction is truer than any real person can be. I know it sounds corny, but I'm getting weepy just thinking about it.

TV - THE ONCE SHARED LANGUAGE 

And most unique to the 70s too, we were all--the entire nation--into that song. We all knew and know all the words, not that there's many. Because irony didn't exist in the popular media; we were too open-hearted and there weren't enough channels or options to separate us, no other devices on which to watch things. In the 70s we all had to endure each other's programming and the kids never got first draft choice if dad was around, but we were always in the same room, seeing the same things. Bored as hell as Meet the Press droned on Sunday mornings, for example, though dad might let us see Sesame Street later, because he thought it was pretty cool, good music. It left us all with a cross-generational water cooler currency woefully missing from today's everybody on their own screen post-nuclear familial structure. That's how that Coke commercial crossed the generations, it bonded the entirety of the nation in its moment.

TV was a shared language in the 70s but it was the EST and therapy groups and encounter sessions that brought us closest. Even if your parents didn't go, some couple they knew did, and the message of openness and being 'perfect in the now' crossed from that couple to your parents and outwards in a loving pink energy ripple effect. Parents knew how to treat us like people rather than dolls, to not hold on tight or try to align us to their thinking, not to live through us or rather evaluate their worth as humans via what daycare we tested into. They were them and we were us and all were okay. This kind of encounter group wildfire helped prep me for later yoga classes, acid, and eventually AA. Don's encounter group scene's tremendous cathartic power comes from that same rippling love wave, the time when yoga and meditation were brand new to the west. There was no arguing with the resulting slow burn awakening as the news of inner peace's availability spread (like that 70s Faberge Organics shampoo spot: "tell two friends / and they'll tell two friends / and so on / and so on").
---
It's the same with Don's mountain retreat moment, as we say in AA, "your own best thinking got you here" - which has about two dozen dual meanings. To be able to commit to a meditation class without smirking, or judging, being able to take instruction from a young hippie kid in the lotus position, to get the message rather than let your ego--like a jealous rival--convince you to hang back and judge the messenger, to sneer at such naked emotional simplicity rather than leave that jealous ego in the dust, to shiver in the naked heat of the sun rather than run back to the iceberg re-freezing warmth of the bar. But looking at the entirety of his seemingly haphazard journey west, we see how every little incident led to this moment, from the invite to the Veteran's fundraiser to giving some snotty thief his car, all step by step, like a careful opponent making sure all his enemy's (i.e. ego's) avenues of escape are blocked before springing the iceberg break coup de grace. If he had his car he would have quit before the miracle (as we say in AA), if the guy speaking had been attractive, or young, or old, or somehow different enough to be either desirable or a threat it wouldn't have worked, if that mopey bitch in that first encounter group hadn't cross-talked about being abandoned by her mom, then his ride wouldn't have bailed, and so forth.

Don was hugging the shlemiel not because he heard, as we say in the rooms, his own story, or recognized the dawning of the commercialization of the Age of Aquarius. But because he saw beyond himself, and knew this person was him, and was Jesus, and the dying Betts, and his children, and whore mother, and brother he drove to suicide, all wrapped into one flag-draped coffin of a rainbow child. But Do is an ad man to his core, and even there in the crucible of surrender, lurks the next gold ring. For him they are inseparable but that's the thing you go into the wilderness of Self but if you don't bring back a present, a souvenir we can use here in the communal house, you just wasted our time telling us about it. We're conditioned to accept that from popular culture, so maybe it doesn't even get our French theory noses in a twist when right after the credits comes a car commercial with Jon Hamm voiceover. The average critic writing about the show doesn't mention that, doesn't see it in the context of the show itself. But any acidhead huckster would note, that's SYNERGY too!



It's because I'm a Pisces and a child of the 70s that I can both scoff at astrology and yet know it's true, and it's because I have seen the land beyond duality that I know duality is beautiful as long as you know it's fiction. And I know that fiction is far truer than reality in depicting reality, and I've hallucinated enough to know never to believe my own eyes or ears so when skeptics say they need such evidence to be convinced of flying saucers I snort derisively. I feel waves of selfless gratitude and secretly mock those I deem less humble and I get that irony and yet prefer to laugh at myself rather than try and change it. And I know I can cry and feel bad about pollution all I want, but that never helps things. I can donate $ or volunteer without losing the joy or sense everything's okay. I know I should meditate and feel joy and love and put it out there to those who need it, not who's hot or deserves it, to effect change. Not for nothing Jesus washed the feet of the lepers, not the supermodels. Don's phone call to Peggy clearly indicates he's planning a suicide, and the ego is so entrenched it needs a bomb threat to leave the building. But that's how it is. You gotta get low to get high. But fuck that, bro. I knew even in my awakening of spirit that I'd have to be nice to ugly idiots to keep the buzz alive, and instead I ran and ran. By the time I stopped it was ready it was the 90s, and too damn late. Now there was the internet, and SSRIs. My hair was not on fire so I was no longer willing to dive into the well.

I'd like at this juncture to thank those who got me here. God, my sponsor, my therapist, the makers of Effexor, Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Robert Duvall in The Apostle, and Helen Slater (left), this wizened broad (aptly, her first role was in 1984 as Supergirl!) eyes tired but serene with the gaze of one who's come through the inferno to the light of forgiveness and unconditional love and who brings Don to the point of his. She reminded me of the cool people who kept me coming back to AA in the very very beginning, the ones who barely said a word other than 't'sup?' after the more overt and smiling welcome committees scared me off time and time again. Slater's wizened woman says and does the same things these t'sup people did to keep me coming back and give me the final gentle push through the breakthrough door (see: CinemArchetype 11 - The Wild Wise Woman) rather than trying to drag me through like a stubborn mule.  She comes to him not as a future conquest, or yet another mother on the run from her child (his favorite brand) but as merely a gentle guide who knows, as so many did for me, that anything more than almost nothing was too much. There's a moment before the shlemiel takes the talking chair where she looks and smiles over at Don as if inviting him up but doesn't coax, sensing his inner ice already beginning to break and not wanting to push him. And when he stands up walks over to him she just gives the faintest of smiles, not the 'I made this happen' thing, but the joy of the truly enlightened upon seeing the course of dharma in action and gratitude that they've been blessed with being awake enough to pick up on dharma's plans like it's some kind of subatomic benevolent Dr. Mabuse. That's her gift and as the lighting cues ever so perceptively shift, we realize with her help the episode's stealthily gone from inviting us to sneer along with Don at all the new age claptrap to weeping at being once lost and now found, in the same moving way Clark Gable did in Strange Cargo! Or Billy Bob Thornton in The Apostle!

Helen Slater, showing she always had a way with reticent buds (Supergirl, 1984)
And that's how it happens, to we who have had the terror of death's visit and the post-ghost Scrooge satori, who've walked in late to an AA meeting with super squeaky shoes, and went--in a final cracked dam buckling we can actually hear in our soul. I felt like my older brother ego finally passed the joystick after banging around the same game level for 30 years, and my inner little brother picked it up and effortlessly opened six new levels, including the exit. Freedom. Ugly or old, fat or anorexic who cares, bro? You're a child of God. I love all things scrooge satori merry xmas you old building and loan. I love you all as I used to think I loved myself, but only a sick sadist would treat someone he professed to love so harshly as I treated me. "Self-seeking will slip away" is one of the AA Promises that does come true, it's the 'slipping away' part that intrigued me when I'd read them up on the wall, as if it wasn't something done consciously, it just happened on its own, like baby teeth falling out. When the egoic whipping boy construct of self is gone, the collapse of the persona illusion of difference falls soon after. What remains? Only Love.

It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

So we mustn't think of these events we've seen in Mad Men as fake, or either cynical (the 'Coke Meditations') or sincere.  Having lost both my parents recently and neither one of them much for protracted death scenes (my mom lied to everyone until right up to the last minute, so we wouldn't worry or try to come visit). I also was moved by January Jones' own melting frostiness. She showed in her one telephone scene that her frosty stiffness over the previous seasons was not just because she was a bad actor (and --especially with her wooden acting in X-Men--we wondered). But it all pays off for this one beautiful scene on the phone, the one final moment of these two emblems of the 60s, each accustomed to the social order elevating them by virtue of charismatic superiority, each clinging to the tenets and terms of their social personae until they finally in this moment break and they can surrender to their real feelings (a mirror to the telephone making intimacy possible too in the conclusion of the Peggy arc). But it doesn't matter at all- it still counts, the phone; these moments of redemption are what makes all the bullshit not just necessary but worth enduring. The longer the climb the better the sledding, and what other reason for reaching the top is there than to sled? Behold a white horse. And the man that snorted it was Death. But first, Coke added life, and was the real thing. And he rode it.

Until the fuckin' 80s, man. Don't get me started...


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

She Even Breaks: Edie Sedgwick in CIAO! MANHATTAN


It's probably a sign of your mental health whether you find Warhol superstar /debauched debutante extraordinaire Edie Sedgwick's continued toplessness in Ciao! Manhattan (1972) sexy or just tragic. If sexy then you're either a swine or just so enamored of the Edie mythos that you'd follow her off a cliff. And I who have followed three different gorgeous drug-damaged [anorexic] rich New England free spirits off cliffs know what I'm talking about. But if you've taken those cliff falls and they have made you sore, damaged, and wise in ways you wish you weren't, then you might see Ciao! Manhattan and wonder if her destruction is somehow your fault, a side-effect of your rubbernecking hot mess lemming diving icon-worship. If that's true, then the film may do nothing for you at all, except encourage you to pray for the still sick and suffering outside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But Edie, princess long dead, cannot hear those prayers. We can only save ourselves... the trouble... of enduring Ciao! Manhattan.


But we can't avoid it, can we? So come back with me then... a ways. Know that I too, like Edie, am a descendant of a daughter of the American Revolution, the Puritan stock. Though not as land-rich (1), we are perhaps just as insane and prone to addiction and depression. I came to the Edie myth via the Velvet Underground, which I came to via Lou Reed, who alone on MTV (with his video "I Love You Suzanne") seemed cool, so I fell under his sway. In college (I only later learned Reed and I had the same birthday, March 2nd, and I was going to his same school, Syracuse), I quickly found psychedelics, crazy shiksas with Ritalin prescriptions, alcohol, and anorexic lost girls whose hot mess sadness I swayed before like a hypnotized cobra. I was in with the in-crowd because my Velvet Underground and Nico expertise (and Lou Reed T-shirt) made me 'Factory-ready', though in truth I knew nothing about Edie, so needed to get busy on that. That picture on the cover of the Plimpton book (below left) intrigued me as a kid, but I thought she was an androgynous boy in military school watching a Fourth of July fireworks display.

And these sad girls I followed off cliffs eventually dropped me cold for any boy with cocaine, no matter the brutalizing they received when the powder ran out. And I didn't go in for brutalizing or cocaine. But every last one of those coke-crazy girls had a thing for Edie Sedgwick, so I picked up on that druggy tragedy. These girls all had Edie books, that black and white striped shirt (below) and shared her and my enthusiasm for getting loaded. There was yet no internet so any scrap of information about her had to come through print. And there just wasn't anything except used paperback copies of Plimpton's book, if you could find it, which was less a glorification of druggie artsy excess and more a Grey Gardens monument to fallen pilgrim aristocracy. As someone from her old pre-decadent circle, Plimpton's book had the same kind of higher ground shock many of us have when watching someone we knew as relatively normal disappear down the druggie rabbit hole... in other words, not the roundhouse kick of advocative justification found in Burroughs, Kerouac and Hunter S. Thompson.

Alas, only one semi-mainstream movie exists starring Edie, a botched mess to run alongside the book with the same name, a dreary, ennui-soaked mix of old bedraggled footage from some 1967 unfinished black and white film without any synced sound, coupled to a foggy color framing of a dumb long-haired cut hick named Butch (Wesley Hayes) taking a job as Edie's keeper (at this point she's perma-zonked and babbling while living in an Arabian tent in the bottom of an empty swimming pool). And it's Butch's dopey narration of genuinely intelligent observances that try to structure the film.


Behold, Butch
You might wish, like he does, that you could do something genuine to help our shattered hot mess Edie, but she doesn't even seem to notice whether or not you're even in the room. She only notices the camera, which she instinctively models for without looking directly into it too much, and in the past footage--the black and white stuff--she only notices drugs, stealing a cocaine stash before getting lost in a speed freak robot-mechanized version of NYC, palling around with one-time Hendrix flame Pat Hartley while trying to find Dr. Robert for B-12 shots all while some mysterious David Lynch-ish millionaire named Mr. Verdecchio tries to find her through the long arm of post-modern 'later filmed' foggy drab color stutter stock and shrill phone calls. It's like we in the audience aren't there at all, and the feeling is, well, demoralizing. Maybe she gets a Strickfadden sparkle-circumscribed glimmer of us, gawking at her from a future vantage point window opening in the space-time continuum during electroshock, but then we're just static... again, and she's back in her room full of (cracked) vanity mirrors.

It would all still be art by virtue of its Warholian association, and all the songs written about her (Dylan's "Just like a Woman," "Like a Rolling Stone," VU's "Femme Fatale" and more later by artists who didn't know her personally). But Butch's cornfed voiceover and big curly shock of hair, pale skin and slack jaw makes one think he snuck across the broken down Isle of White festival fences, one too many times. Know what I mean, Mr. Verdecchio? At least he's got respect for leather interiors, unlike most kids todayzz.z.

Case you can't tell, that Butch gets my goat. A fine, sophisticated, pathologically narcissistic, pilgrim stock royalty, speed freak burnout ex-model like Edie is too good for him. Of course that's my opinion, for we straight sophistos loathe these cornfed hunks with their dopey lack of depth and stripper shorts. Butch's burly hunk status --though he's pale as the moon--is clearly a signifier that this film, for all its female toplessness, is skewed for an older gay male audience. The cut rentboy rube from the sticks--as naive and dopey as traffic will allow--is a gay staple, a favorite recurring subject the way, say, a blonde girl leaning on a Corvette is "ours." Butch-types traipsing around in their towels after a long day indulging in Fire Island volleyball or soaking up the sun; It's a very reciprocal relationship, even if you're straight, as my old-roommate can tell you. Said filmmaker (or designer) shoots sly glances while hunched over their brunch table Hamptons Weekly and you get a free place to crash, right on the beach, not to mention free... everything. I hope that's why we're subjected to Wesley Hayes' super pale naked chest and dopey voice as he walks around in tight shorts his dazed hick expression so charismatically challenged from a straight perspective he makes you wonder why Joe Dellesandro wasn't playing the part. Was Joe so unreliable by then? Or could he just not, by then, play a rube, having shot too much, in both senses of the word? In the words of Marlene Dietrich, "Joe.... where are you, Joe?"

As an Edieophile (Edie-ott?) by association, and (no matter how trunkenshtoned I got) relentless in my gallantry when it came to protecting incapacitated hotties from leering gropers, watching Butch take charge of Little Miss Can't Be Right in these color pool scenes makes me feel like I was leaving my Rolls with Jethro Bodine for the summer. No offense against Wesley Hayes, the actor who played Butch - I'm sure he's smarter than his character and that's part of the problem - if he was a lot smarter he could have brought some crafty Jeeter Lester savvy, like robbing Edie on the side, just as she robbed Paul America in the earlier footage. And if Butch was dumber, then his scenes would feel more natural. A good actor would play the hick as trying to come off more sophisticated than he is, instead of vice versa. Instead Butch is right in-between... The only long hair with any smarts is the previous Edie-wrangler, who steers Butch to the job on his way out of town, smart enough, perhaps, to get out before a certain someone gives him hep C, unless she already has, or worse, he winds up buried in a chimp coffin.

Butch occasionally manages some sharp shirtless jean short observations as he tries to appease Edie's mom Isabel Jewell (who sharp-eyed viewers may remember from Lewton's Seventh Victim) but he does nothing to help his charge, who natters on and on down the druggie narcissistic tangent trail while lurching around topless in her emptied swimming pool terrarium, making some gesture with her hand to emphasize a point, noticing her hand there, pausing to stress the next words in her sentence, then blanking out. The only time she gets out of the pool is when Butch drives her to the doctor, played by Roger Vadim like a vulture hoping to nab another hottie-in-distress for his trophy case before giving her some much needed electroshock...

In short, Edie's like the sad ghost of her former self, a self of course we don't know outside of Warhol's home movies. Knowing what we know about eating disorders (and knowing she was kicked out of two boarding schools for being anorexic) makes it hard to revel in her alien beauty in the Alphaville-esque city wandering scenes, and/or the Warhol factory and YMCA pool party footage. She died mere weeks after her color footage was shot, and you can feel it. Hers is not the knowing sadness, the glimmer of a gorgeous new type of maturer beauty that we find in Marilyn's footage in the unfinished Something's Got to Give. Edie doesn't even to fathom where she is, and watching her is like watching a psychic interacting with ghosts, half in this world and half in the past, but was there... ever even another half? Andy Warhol supplied some of that other half, but he supplied it with a vacuum. And who knows how many times the Andy she interacted with was only Andy's double, and Andy's relationship with Edie itself a double, a bizarro mirror to the gay artist-female muse/proxy/twins bond between Waldo Lydecker and Laura... or Joe Gillis and Norma Desmond, by which I mean, their relationship was composed of celluloid, light, and shadow... and without a projector, it was just a spool. Swoop swoop, oh baby rock rock.

In the end, maybe, we all get the Joe Gillis we deserve, some half-in-the-pool-face-down floater of a biographer who only in death finds his poetic voice, and then uses it only to describe us, who killed him, like a hack Baudrillard drowning in a nepenthe stamen.






NOTES:
1. Two drunk brothers in the 1700s took care of that, they sold everything to spend on whiskey and women; if women could have owned property then, maybe I would be rich as she was.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Harpo Out of Hell: MIAMI BLUES



There's a time to play Monopoly and a time to kick over the board and throw the play money in the air like we're motherfuckin' Scarface. Miami Blues (1990) is for that time. Those of us who love charismatic maniacs--especially when they're safely contained by distance, time, or screen--love this Alec Baldwin as Junior, a sublimely deadpan representative of our id-unleashing dreams. A herald for the maniac renaissance of the early 90s, before Mr. Blonde, Mickey and Mallory Knox, Wendy Kroy, Hannibal Lecter, Tommy in Goodfellas, Harvey in Bad Lieutenant, Lisa in Girl, Interrupted all popped up from our moldy floorboards to kick the cobwebs of moralistic 80s self-censorship from our heads, there was Junior. 

That manic early 90s phase is long gone now, but for awhile cinema was a bonfire full of toothsome, fanged chestnuts. And way up atop the flickering flames there was Junior... blazing.

Directed by that shaggy dog beachcomber director George Armitage, Miami Blues is a violent Marx Brothers opus writ large in the deadpan Elmore Leonard Miami of the 1980s. Allegedly about hangdog cop Hank Moseley (Fred Willard) loping after Junior for a bullshit manslaughter charge, it's really more about... well, maybe less than the sum of its parts. Oh, but what parts! There's co-star Jennifer Jason Leigh as a dimwitted prostitute Junior plays house with; random crimes of utmost ballsiness, cop impersonation, and maximum mercurial morality. Junior may be insane but he has ethics: robbing crack dealers with a miniature plastic Uzi; mugging pickpockets for the wallets they just stole; knocking over bookies and playing cop with Mosely's stolen badge. There's no rhyme or reason to Junior's actions, but everything is logical because he acts on our expectations based on what we see him see. If we see him seeing a robbery in progress we naturally assume he'll try to stop it, so he does, even if all he has for a weapon is a jar of spaghetti sauce. If Pedro seems a little too cocky with his shotgun at the pawn shop, it's natural Junior will shoot him as soon as his back is turned, even if there's no real motive, aside from the playful Joker-like fluidity of the moment.

There's no other way to really contextualize the anarchy at work here, unless we can glean the Marx Brothers connection within Junior's initial alias, Herman Gottlieb. A way more obscure reference than, say, Zombie's Firefly family, Gottlieb is the name Sig Ruman's ever-fuming, Mrs. Claypool-flattering Baroni-signer in MGM's Night at the Opera (1935), a film I saw so many times as a kid that its textures and rhythms cloak me still in a kind of cinephile temple garment. And it's that connection holds the secret to the madness of Baldwin's maniacal character, that crazy Marxian "life is but a dream" row-row yer way straight out the Truman Show bubble direction. Forever caught in an old world (pre-WW2) bourgeois slow burn harrumph as Groucho dances verbal circles around him and Harpo sets his shoes on fire, it's only natural that old Mr. Gottlieb would eventually get his wallet lifted and identity stolen by a light-fingered Harpo out of Hell. How else might we measure the high crusting curves of madness?

A straight edge with no sense of self awareness to impede its accuracy shall be thy only ruler.

The real Herman Gottlieb (Sig Ruman) center, and driving the bus top right
But Armitage doesn't rely on this Id-fulfillment to the point his film ceases to be entertaining or to function successfully as an Elmore Leonard-style palm tree-and-petty crime drama. He knows that if Junior's unleashed id is too self-serving or sadistic the result would bee merely lurid and disturbing (Killer's Moon, Devil's Rejects);  if too anarchic the result would derail our narrative immersion (Daisies, Weekend). If it's juuuust right, then you got the Marx Brothers (in their first seven films), Bela Lugosi in The Raven, Timothy Carey (in everything) and... then.... it gets foggy. Who else is left?

Then the answer come a-back: Alec Baldwin. He's left and let-a me tell you, boss, now you got something. And now that Blues is on a crisp, gorgeous Shout Blu-ray it's not just a chance to remember how goddamned charismatic and hirsute old Alec was back then, it's a comforting sign that true anarchic Harpo Marx madness shall not perish from the screen... Baldwin gets it. The spirit of Warren William is alive in him.

HERE'S TO DEAR OLD BALDWIN:

Most guys as good looking as Alec are, let's face it, dull as chalk - and many stay that way even after age does a Jake LaMotta on their kisser. Occupied with making sure their hair is perfect, their best angle facing the camera, their neck long and their eyes twinkly, they forget to accrue depth. No emotion registers on their face lest wrinkles appear. As a result, they come across often as drugged narcissist automatons drained of all wit and regular guy who-gives-a-fuckitude. They become empty aquariums, dusty with the kind of self-righteous petulance they're convinced is the height of butch charisma. Not our Baldwin.

With his Irish-American planted boxer balance, Baldwin comes off as real even when he's acting the part of a charming actor who knows he's fake. No easy feat, he makes Junior a true a cipher without being a bore about it. He's charming without being cocky. He's crazy without being aggravating. Better actors can't say that, nor worse ones. Best of all, he has the glint of real madness in his eyes, the kind you can't fake or buy, the kind that's playful but mature, cool without being pretentious, beyond the need for phony sentiment brave enough not to run from real emotion if it ever breezes past.

The SHOUT BLU-RAY:

A lot of us kids who grew up obsessively watching all the Marx Brothers and the Lugosi movies we could tape in the early 80s, naturally fell in love with Repo Man in 1984, but were left in the cold at the end of the 80s. In the pre-Tarantino-verse of 1990, Blues stood alone. We fans had a dupe of it on tape, of course, and had long grown used to the blurry pastel streaks of the decor and sky, the fuzzy short hair cuts of both Junior and Susie reduced to a blurry halo. With the new Shout Blu-ray its all sharp and clear, with a nice lovely sparkle to the sea and sky and deep 3-D blacks to every sun-dappled shadow. The 80s pastels are no darker and the transfer is so sharp you can smell the salt of the sea. The extras include recent interviews with Baldwin and Jennifer Jason Leigh, who both admit really enjoying themselves with the project, the characters, and each other, and it shows then and now.

The film had its detractors at the time, one of the first things I ever read in The Daily Orange - Syracuse University's student-run newspaper- was a scathing review of it, which declared it emblematic of a rise in nonsensical nihilism. The writer was clearly a pretentious twit, the type of undergraduate who mistakes his bitterness for acumen. Their minds hardened with dogmatic readings of western dialectical philosophy, today they're probably going to see the remake of Far From the Maddening Crowd at some UWS theater with their embittered wives. Fuckin' A.

In other words, the average bourgeois white elephant filmgoer will not approve of Miami Blues, which seems like an open invitation to the underclasses to rise up and boot them from their penthouses like Bane in Dark Knight Rises. But Bane's a drag. We love The Joker, because like Junior, the Joker keeps his grip on the termite megalomania of early childhood, and so has no urge to burn out the white elephant hoi poloi except via silver screen termite effigy. All that rage we used to excise via the now outgrown release mechanism of temper tantrums was just waiting for a miracle like Bela Lugosi in The Raven or Harpo Marx in Night at the Opera to release it. Out comes in gushing waves of joy, an air pocket of tyrannical childhood, the good with the bad all buried now rising like an oil gusher, lifting us up off the surface of our becalmed flat stoned moviegoing consciousness in a most pleasing way.

One wild man performance is worth three movies worth of 'importance' or 'meaning.'


We see Junior's kind of kinetic free-form insanity so seldom, especially in today's nanny state clime, that when it comes along in the form of a peak-bubble Baldwin it's like a precious little match in the Hans Christian Anderson blizzard of sanctified sanity. His is the madness that takes that fluttery match and lights up the sky for just long enough we see the vastness of heaven. And then the match is out, the sky is dark, the house lights come back up, the veil of paralyzing self-consciousness descends once more like a clingy Psycho shower curtain, and not even Fred Willard can be held accountable for what we do to try and get the fire back. We wind up in rehab, or as deranged loners, buried deep in our bomb shelters, watching our Night of the Opera -The Thing  - My Man Godfrey - tape over and over 'til the tracking button can fix the worn streaks no more.

PRINCETON BLUES:

And if you know you're in a dream, that nothing is real, why wouldn't you do all the things you never had the nerve to do in reality? An old friend of mine (through another friend) from the Princeton Blues Traveler days, Fisher (not his real name), lived that way. A Bill Brasky type of larger than life maniac, he was a living legend amongst the local mix of debauched upper dregs at the 80s hippie-music-Princeton Record Exchange / Hoagie Haven / stealing badges to crash the Princeton reunions / pre-fame Blues Traveler / Althea gave me her last double purple barrel - contingent.

That 'Fisher' he a some boy all right.
I thought they were just making Fisher up until I finally met him at a big outdoor bonfire keg party somewhere in the wilds of Princeton. He seemed pretty normal but as the night wore on he spied some other dude he kind of didn't like from the other end of the throng, and then, with a crazy drunk falling motion flung--in an overhand pinwheel motion--his half full Bud tall boy high into the air in this guy's direction. If you've ever flung a half-full tall boy straight up in the air like a mortar you know it's not easy to get either distance or accuracy and this was something so random it seemed like he just lost balance, upon releasing it he fell backwards and hid behind a car, as the bottle soared up, way high, arced over the fire, and landed with pinpoint accuracy straight atop the guy's head, and-- with a thonk-- bounced off onto the ground. I'd never seen anything quite like it.

Fisher (not his real name) didn't do this to impress anyone. He didn't even know anyone was watching (and I was the only one). I pretended not to notice and refrained from looking at him as the guy he hit, a huge motherfucker in a frat jersey, started running right toward the car behind which Fisher hid, and then he took off after him into the scrub brush. Fisher spent the rest of the party on the run, coming back to the keg periodically for a refill. To this day it's the single most amazing throw I've ever seen -- he never even aimed or even looked at the guy directly before throwing it. Even when fighting or being chased he never seemed like it was anything but a friendly scrap with a old buddy.

But that story is nothing, Max shrugged it off as lesser Fisher. Last Max heard of him was 20 years ago when--inspired by Miami Blues--he stole a fireman's badge and was pulling over cars on the road to fuck with them and/or steal their drugs. And from then on they called him 'Princeton Blues.'
---

Soon after of course the neighborhood was smotten by Blues Traveller's success, and while they were on tour, the rest of the crowd would be smoking crack, or worse, watching pre-code WB gangster movies on TCM, which I respected. I still have the tape they made me of Two Seconds, Picture Snatcher and Beast of the City. (TCM was rarity back then - I didn't have it). And like pre-code WB film, Miami Blues man flies free while we.... oops it fell. 

As we all did. 

But that's the arc of a gangster. It ends and it's time for teeth to be returned from whence they came. Walter Brennan in Red River asking for them back 'come grub' after losing them in a poker game to Chief Yowlachie, now called 2-Jaw Quo.

Detective Gummo, your teeth had never ground so free as they did in this man's hand; he carried them above the clouds, atop the spirit frog he could not refrain from biting.

"come chow, you get
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