Showing posts with label Amazon Prime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amazon Prime. Show all posts

Thursday, March 28, 2019

10 Surreal Cult Gems of the 80s: A Prime-Stream Special


What was the 80s and why was it such a golden age for weird sci-fi and head trips? Was it thanks to the dawn of MTV and Night Flight and their power to amuse stoned kids back late from the punk shows on weekends? Repo Man, Return of the Living Dead, and Night of the Creeps in theaters; Liquid Sky and Street Trash were at (shhh) inner-city theaters; drive-in and the video rental places co-existed comfortably.., for the moment.  Conan, the Terminator, and Robocop made such big money that art house wonders like Brazil and Blue Velvet could be seen and occupy hallowed places in the press.

Also, it was the height of Nancy-fueled anti-drug hysteria, and so--just as, during Prohibition, imbibing booze had become a symbol of American freedom and defiance of knee-jerk puritanism, so now there togetherness and patriotism to be found in smoking weed during the 80s (when you could go to jail for years just for having a joint in your pocket). Today weed is mostly legal and so innocuous its users are unnoticed. But back then, getting high and going to the midnight movie was a rite of dangerous passage. And going home to watch Night Flight and weird rented movies was simply the norm. And as a result, thrived a momentary nation of the strange. We were a decade away from the ecstasy-and-blue recovery roller coaster of the Prozac 90s. We had to invent micro-tripping just to get by - so we liked it weird. As ye shall see, brave wanderer:

1. SOCIETY
(1989) Briam Yuzna
***1/2 / Amazon Image - A

For sheer over-the-top surreal class-commentary, nothing really beats Brian Yuzna's SOCIETY which has one of the best WTF denouements in cinema history. I'm going through great pains to not spoil any of it, let's just say that in best surrealist form it taps into the Freudian Id impulse and the anxiety that one is shut out of a massive 80s upper crust orgy--that even your parents are in on some licentious surreal group sex cult secret. It's this very real feeling that underwrote the Satanic panic of the 80s (and continues today in things like Pizza-gate, Q-Anon, and the conspiracies of David Icke -[here]), so it makes sense this came out in the "me" decade, a time when Reagan was in office and 'yuppies' were gobbling up everything, their little IZOD collars turned up and Ray-bans on in slavish imitation of their god, Tom Cruise. Not for nothing, then, does Society star the euphonious Cruise-clone Billy Warlock as a privileged lad who enjoys the finer things thanks to his adopted family, yet is ever reminded of just how much better a slightly richer contingent at his elite school has it.  He begins to realize something is going on when his older sister's paranoid ex-boyfriend-cum-stalker plays him tapes he secretly made of the sister's private conversations with their father re: her debutante 'coming out' party. It sounds, in this weird conversation, like she's going be offered up to some evil reptilian throng as a sexual offering, forced to sleep with everyone in the cult, including her parents and local officials--and that she's looking forward to it. But that can't be--can it? 

To amp the paranoia we're never quite sure, til it's too late, if we're just reading into it. Billy is paranoid, but the truth is far crazier. Along his journey, he picks up a hot mess girlfriend (Devin DeVasquez) and--in the weirdest element--her "mother" (Pamela Matheson), a bizarre hair-eating nutcase that seems to have wandered in from a John Waters casting lagoon, and seems younger than her daughter, starts hanging around with them, regularly trying to eat Billy's hair. 

 Yuzna produced those early Stuart Gordon gems From Beyond and Re-Animator so clearly knew how to hire and use the best effects teams. The gooey weirdness would be CGI today but here it's all latex analogy--the weirdest coolest mess since Carpenter's The Thing. Too bad that, like The Thing itself, so few people saw it in theaters --did it even get a release? Either way, what a blast! It goes everywhere Eyes Wide Shut does in about 1/3 of the time, and then a whole, whole WHOLE lot farther. Along the way it lays down full bushels of insight on the nature of desire, social-climbing, consumer culture, the parasitical nature of the rich, and what's known today as FOMO - or the feeling a massive beautiful people orgy is going on whenever you're not around. Kurbick really should have gone out more, or at least watched some horror movies --Society would have maybe saved his film from its fatal inertia.

And even today, some still believe there's a secret basement where gorgeous women abandon themselves to hairy ugly men at the clang of Get Out teacup rattle or an Eyes Wide Shut Rammstein-style synth/chant dirge. How that 'missing the orgy' feeling ties in with priapism and paranoia could be a full semester course (see here for full syllabus), but Society says it all in 99 minutes and without bitter aftertaste. 

3. LIQUID SKY
(1982) Dir. Slava Sukerman
***1/2 / Amazon Image - A+

We're deep in the height of the artsy early-80s downtown NYC New-Wave scene, back when it was cool, underground, emaciated and addicted to an array of pills and powders. A small alien saucer lands on the roof above the balcony apartment of trendy new wave icon Margaret (Anne Carlisle) and her drug-dealing lesbian roommate Adrian, played by Paula E. (Alice in Alice Sweet Alice) Shepherd. Across the way in a parallel story is Susan Doukas as Sylvia, mother of Jimmy (also Carlisle) a strung-out sneering male model struggling to pay for a high-end cocaine addiction. A German scientist is lured up to lonely Sylvia's apartment for dinner but really he wants to spy on the saucer across the street. What is it up to? It's zapping anyone nearby at the moment of sexual climax, using the orgone (?) energy for, presumably, rocket fuel or their own form of drug. 

There's oodles of great stuff, style, and disaffect, but the ultimate in weird 'scenes' has got to be Anna Carlisle going down on the male version of herself while a bunch of fashionistas hanging out (while using her gorgeous roof balcony apartment for a photo shoot) jeer in a very punk aggro manner that would be scary if it were done by a bunch of straight dudes, but done by coked-up gay aesthetes it's just kind of punk. As Walter Sobchak might put it, there's nothing to worry about --they're nihilists. 

In the end it's Margaret's zonked renouncement of sexual pleasure in favor of drugs and mind expansion is what saves her while all her lovers are zapped. She doesn't say no to sex, even with her old teacher/mentor who drops up (a different time to be alive in NYC, oh me brothers). Then the aliens zap the life essence out of these lovers in the moment of orgasm and--until Anna complains--leaves their corpses piling up in the apartment. If you're not totally down with this film by the time Adrian starts an impromptu smack-shivery poetry slam while playing one of the corpses's bald head like a conga, then well, you may as well leave the city and move in with your brother out in Phoenix, know what I'm talking about? Me, I belong to this film, I love all its little moments, like Sylvia's a hilarious brunch with her sneezy, coke-withdrawal-wracked son. Now that the image is so lustrous, the sun streaming in through the window makes his suffering so beautiful and uniquely NYC I got a 90s strung-out flashback chill just watching him/her -- been there, bro! Not for coke or heroin, but for alcohol. They are actually similar in that (as I learned in. CASAC school) two withdrawals they have to medicate you for in detoxes, i..e. quitting cold turkey can be fatal! So if you've ever tried to hide how hungover and strung out you are while eating brunch with your mom, you'll really relate.

Clearly, this is the female east coast parallel to Repo Man. Was it an influence on Alex Cox? And like that one-off masterpiece, it's a film to be revisited, again and again - especially now that it's been so lovingly remastered. It probably never looked this good even in its initial NYC run. The shrill pre-programmed Casio synth music mat make the raucous punk on Repo Man's soundtrack seem like Mozart by comparison, but it works.  (see full review)


7. BRAZIL
(1985) Dir. Terry Gilliam
**** / Amazon Image - A-

Time was this was the bee's-knees, a universally praised cult hit, and it's kinda forgotten today due to being kinda dated. Though one of the most gamely dark and savage satires of modern bureaucracy in the history of cinema, here in the paperless 21st century its big anti-bureaucracy messages can seem rather labored. The whole Orwellian hodge podge and endless ducts and malfunctions feel so yesterday since  the entirety of the film's vast "Dept. of Information Retrieval" would be replaced by a handful of geeks on laptops. Still, as the missing link between Kafka (a rather heavy debt is owed) and--alas--one of those whimsical too-obvious Danny Kaye 'daydreaming office drone thinks he's a swashbuckler' odysseys, the level of detail and imagination is stunning. Since it's all before CGI and so beautifully remastered in HD, we can really savor the level of obsessive termite craftsmanship (the clouds in the fantasy flying sequences alone are worth the price of admission). 

Terry Gilliam's trouble as a director has always been that--like Ridley Scott--he can never trust the story to work on its own so his films gush over with detail and interesting things while the mythic root is lost like a child in a Black Friday opening door crush of overworked imagery. Here, since that crush is what it's all about, the overkill actually works perfectly, turning it all into a ballet of post-futuristic 30s decor crumbling under the weight of add-on tech (temporary things installed to fix problems with the fixes to other problems, etc). Still, Jonathan Pryce's flustered Walter Mitty-everyman schtick starts to get wearisome during his prolonged panicky run-for-it with the girl of his dreams. With her short hair and trucker's job she'd be instantly pegged as a lesbian today, making her initial resistance all the more glaring. It never even occurs to Pryce to ask if she likes him. 

That's the cool thing about Gilliam's vision - though a knee-jerk leftist reading is the most obvious--i.e. that Pryce is a hapless hero in a coiled universe strangled by evil bureaucrats-- a closer reading shows that the dystopia is the fantasy as much as the clouds. Reality chokes itself on its own exhaust so millions can relax in air conditioned privacy and dream of angels, or watch The Cocoanuts in their own bathtub while smoking a joint. Hey, I relate, I don't have a bathroom TV but I've smoked weed to Paramount Marx Brothers movies on air-conditioned couches far and wide. Realizing the extent to which my first world consumption habits butterfly tsunamis out to mass poverty in the third world doesn't help me change my habits. Trying to change them now would be like throwing a pale of water on a forest fire. It might make me feel less guilty, but it won't even slow the blaze--and I don't like being hot. 

Regardless of whether you think Pryce's character is a hero or just a trust fund Marxist floundering in the deep end, it all gorgeously done, with an extended wordless chase set piece finale that finally fishtails into pure fantasy that references everything from American in Paris to The Red Shoes and (of course) Potemkin under a dazzlingly expansive Michael Kamen score. And what a cast of first-class Brits! Ian Holm has never been funnier as Pryce's nervous wreck boss; Michael Palin is a chilling blast as Pryce's nonchalant torturer college friend and--marvelous as ever--Bob Hoskins is a miracle as a sinister blue collar duct worker. And cuz ya gotta have an American, there's Robert De Niro as a combination Groucho Marx and Che Guevara, zip-lining in and out of windows and balconies along the tall apartment complexes to make bootleg duct repairs without the proper forms. If Gilliam never made another movie after this, he'd be remembered as one of the masters of surrealism and dark comedy. But dystopia has a habit of dragging on... 

6. THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI
(1984) Dir. W.D. Richter 
*** / Amazon Image - A+

The problem with this film was that it kind of positioned itself a shoe-in for cult status, and that's not how cults are made. Cult films are born of legitimately weird outsider types trying to make a normal film, not a normal person trying trying to make a weird outsider film. BUT just because the motives are baffling and the weird hybrid Captain Midnight-brain surgeon-mad scientist-Formula 5 racer-rock band frontman thing is just a little Too Much Johnson, it doesn't mean the cast, effects crew, and too many moments to count in the script, aren't worthy of Sub-Genius-style lionization. Let the lamp affix its beam! Even if one can't simply whip up a franchise out of thin air (Lucas, never forget, used carefully imported mythic ingredients, plumbing Joseph Campbell as well as Alex Raymond), "No matter where you go / there you are" became an instant classic line.

And what a cast: Peter Weller and Ellen Barkin have never been more beautiful (the way Ellen Barkin opens her mouth for a kiss is so carnal and raw it collapses time and space as we know it), and it's clear they vibe on each other's energy. Jeff Goldblum is saddled with a ridiculous cowboy get-up that's just not working for him, but he's great as usual, and so is John Lithgow as Big Booty or Dr. Lizardo (top), and on and on it goes with way too much fan club stuff ("I'm Buckaroo club, Genus chapter!" like anyone watching was old enough to remember Captain Midnight decoder rings)- did they really expect such fan clubs would start? 

One thing too - this is one dense film - packed with mythos and character running which way and that. You can see it over and over agin and are still noticing little details. Around the tenth viewing, it starts to really work except for, it never quite does. Great end theme though. Too bad there weren't ten sequels! Weller - you are or were a gawd!

7. MEET THE HOLLOWHEADS
(1988) Dir. Thomas R. Burdman
*** / Amazon Image - C

A chamber piece that plays like some off-off family sitcom from an alternate reality (we never see a window or an outside - are they all in some gigantic multi-generational cross-galaxy spaceship? Did I miss that part?). No moment of the typical domestic bliss-ticked early-60s-late-80s sitcom is missed in director Thomas Burdman's (and co-writer Lia Morton)'s keen eye for absurdist surreal digression. The doofus grandpa needs force feeding with a giant syringe; the half-dog half-human 'pet' needs de-lousing (the boys shoot the bugs off him with a slingshot); the boss (Richard Portnow) comes over for dinner and dad (John Glover) is planing to ask for an overdue promotion; wife (Nancy Mette) hopes dinner goes just right!  The cute daughter (Juliette Lewis!) is getting ready to go out on a date with some new wave glorkenspruling doofus; the tentacled one-eyed watcher in the foyer (security system?) makes sure no lurkers walk past unnoticed. It's all played letter straight, such as it is, and the weirdness never stops. 

It's very tube-oriented; everything is round and comes out of tubes that connects to a vast system,  one that is cleaned out chimney sweep-style by men covered in pipe cleaner tubules who speak so abstractly they need subtitles (the same font Spheeris uses in The Decline of Western Civilization!). Lewis does her Lolita thing in due earnest here, clearing the way for her iconic stretch of films as a jailbait thumbsucker from the early 90s (Husbands and Wives, Cape Fear, Kalifornia). Just look at her in the top center picture! She's almost a different girl and who's that on her left? It's Bobcat Goldthwait --pre-screechy voice -- as one of the weird cops who carry her home. 

Come over for an evening with the Hollowheads, and stare agog at a universe that might have been. If the 80s was really that kind to weirdness, this would be on muhfuggin' Criterion!


I confess, I was only able to finish Meet the Hollowheads over several 20 minute viewings, as I found it too weird to endure for longer, especially in such bad quality (it's about akin to what you'd find on youtube, duped from some old first run VHS scored at a close-out) though as soon as I finished it, I started it right up again, so what's that tell you? And it's no dis - I watch Godard movies the same way and I love him. If you love crazy Godard too (for the comedy) and if you like the friendly day-glo genuine insanity of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, the industrial Kafka savagery of Brazil, and post-industrial ennui and alienation of Eraserhead, then this is your film. Just watch it from far enough away you don't get any on you. And though the image is bad it's all worth it for the wacky climax which finds the lecherous Portnow running amok, killed more times than Rasputin, the kids coming home wasted after hacking into a forbidden drug tube (the title I'd give it were I in charge: Forbidden Drug Tube-Tap) and the wasted son almost giving the whole show away by thinking the bruised near-dead boss is a monster. What a family. What a film! What set decoration. Would it was clearer, image-wise as that deep red in the round living room alone is to dye for. Stick with it and it you may never get it off. Maybe you won't even want to. 

8. NIGHT OF THE COMET
(1984) Writer/dir. Thom Eberhardt
*** / Amazon Image - A

With a weird cult-ready veneer that's quintessential 80s, this sci-fi/cult/horror/comedy tics a lot of boxes but does 'em all right. The heroine survives the comet night apocalypse because she was shacked up in the El Rey theater's projection room in a sleeping bag with cult douche Michael Bowen, for god's sake - and rather than work her usher job she eats Twizzlers and rules the Galaga high score in the lobby, saved from being fired by her beauty. Writer/director Robert Thom was one of those almost-iconic auteurs who made too few films to have a following, aside from weirdos like me who love both this and his Sole Survivor (also 1984, though much less widely known - seek it out immediately!) - I remember I saw Night on the big screen in the suburbs during its initial release--by myself, while skipping a high school--so you you know I'm the right guy to defend it. And if you love Mary Woronov and any movie where the teenage heroine warns a guy trying to kill her that she's "been trained" and doesn't want to hurt him (and means it, and does) then you'll love this film which now looks better than ever thanks to a great Shout Factory dusting and color-depth-asizing.

The dazzlingly-haired Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney star as the cool sisters Regina and Samantha--capably rescuing children and mowing down punk mall cops thanks to their CIA op father teaching them home defense before departing for Nicaragua. Woronov's fellow Eating Raoul star, Robert Beltran is a truck driver who answers the girls' survivor call (they set up base at the local LA radio station). Woronov heads an underground lab looking for a cure to the slow decay that hits those who survived the initial mystery dusting of the comet. God, zombies were so much cooler back then. What happened?


One thing may turn some folks off if they watch in the wrong context: this is the film with the quintessential first shopping montage set to Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Echoing Dawn of the Dead as much as foreshadowing Day with its underground scientist think tank bunker, it's not the film's fault that trying-on-clothes montage set to that song have become inescapably and inseparably cliche. We might wish for a world in which it was cliche instead to have super cool, capable girls like Regina and Samantha as our stars of horror and science fiction films, but they're still rare in any genre. (see also Anita Skinner in Thom's Sole Survivor for another cool Hawksian, this one even quoting To Have and Have Not -here)

9. PHENOMENA
(1985) Dir. Dario Argento
*** 1/2/ Amazon Image - B

When the plot of this was first described to my roommate and I by his girlfriend back around 1994, we knew the movie we needed to see after a drug-addled weekend. The description was so weird we doubted it even existed. This being long before the advent if Wiki and imdb, we could only trudge video store-ward and scope out the Argento titles, and nothing even remotely insect-concerned appeared. Years later, when I finally did get to see Phenomena it was the uncut version presented by Anchor Bay (as opposed to the American butcher job, Creepers) and in widescreen on DVD (as opposed to murky VHS) so it was even better than she made out. I was never so happy. Why am I telling you this? Because to relay the actual plot of it is like giving away the trick ending of Psycho if it was all trick endings. While Argento certainly references everything from (the previous year's hit) Firestarter as well as Carrie, (Jennifer Connolly loves insects and they swarm at her telepathic command) it also goes in all sorts of zig-zaggy directions. I'm not a big fan of Argento's insistence (continued in Opera and other late 80s films) of using heavy metal to underscore the murders, ghoubh. Time has been as kind of Morricone and Goblin as it's been unkind to Iron Maiden, in my opinion. At any rate, the rest of the score is the perfectly accentuated flanger-drenched guitar music of Claudio Simonetti, evoking the film's windy foot-of-the-Alps setting with a palpable unearthly chill. 

What I most love about it though is the weird midnight bond that forms between young Connelly, a wheelchair-bound entymologist played by Donald Pleasance, and his helper chimp, Inga. The dubbing is excellent and a real weird unique mood holds between them, as the ever present chilling wind keeps rolling down and up the Alps creating a totally unique mood in the Argento canon. There's also Daria Nicolodi as a nerdy teacher and Daria Di Lazzaro as the sexy-bitchy headmistress. The last 1/3 is a never-ending cascade of shocks and twists guaranteed to keep any jaw glued to the floor, and in the midst of it all, sweet innocent Jennifer Connelly finds herself swimming in lakes covered by burning fuel and calling insects and drowning in pits of maggot-filled decomposing bodies, and almost decapitated, all in great style. You may be warned, but there's no way you can be prepared...


1. BLUE VELVET
(1986) Dir. David Lynch 
**** / Amazon Image - A

I'll confess it took me a long way to come around to this movie: I found its violent thuggery disturbing and without a cathartic resolution. After a few decades of repeat viewings, and absorbing deep tissue analyses of the film by Todd McGowan and Zizek, I was able to unravel my private relationship to its Freudian subconscious Oedipal separation trauma, so I could let go of my ambivalence. Turns out the purple and blue velvet apartment where Kyle McLachlan spies through the closet blinds isn't merely his anger/anxiety over a woman being hurt, but a primal scene as understood through the mind of a child who mistrusts the animal grunts of sex and seethes with resentment over the dad's power to shut him out of the bedroom at a whim. So, turns out, the problem was mine, not Lynch's! I myself was Frank (Dennis Hopper) as much as Kyle - and I didn't want to be either one. I had to make peace with my inner monster. I tried, and am trying, and sometimes I love this film and sometimes not. I prefer actually Lost Highway, perhaps because it isn't as good. I'm not really connected to it, and that's just fine.

Laura Dern co-stars, at her dreamy-but-chipper best; the beautiful Dean Stockwell as a kind of dream world pimp lip syncing Roy Orbison (see CinemArchetype 18: The Aesthete) while Kyle tries not come off like a frightened kid who visits his drug dealer on the wrong night and ends up a veritable hostage in an all-night road trip binge. An initiation into a darker realm of life beneath the grass line of sunny Lumberton, these scary people eventually guide him into becoming a mature man through their loving abuse (like in Sonny Boy, with which it would make a fine double feature!).



Lynch's subsequent works would all point back to this key moment, some improving on it (Mulholland Dr.) some not so much (Wild at Heart). But Blue Velvet is Lynch's first great 'cracking it wide open' while still staying in a recognizable (small town noir) genre format. It's his "Demoiselles d'avignon," his Pollock's 1947 drip stick moment. No matter how many times you see it, it's never the same movie, but it's always, always disturbing. It's the dark nightmare of childhood brought into the light like a screaming, still-alive, tar pit mastodon.

TOO WEIRD EVEN FOR ME: 
These are definitely cult/surreal and look great on Prime but --me--personally - I couldn't stand them. I hate them And I'll give you my reasons why, in case your mileage varies. One critic's bias should never lose a film's chance at the right viewer.


SPIRITS OF THE AIR, GREMLINS OF THE CLOUDS
(1989) Dir. Alex Proyas
*1/2 / Amazon Image - A

In and around a cloistered shack in the middle of a nowhere post-apocalyptic outback, two wildly overacting eccentrics--one a wheelchair-bound aviation enthusiast, one a Gothic virgin introvert--help a monosyllabic punk rocker type escape the empty desert plain via a homemade airplane. Though the scenery is lovely, the actors are grotesque and do little to allay the monotony. The film seems to last forever as nothing happens, but not in a cool Jarmusch way but in an overwrought hammy Aussie way - the worst of both worlds. It needs either a genuinely macabre element (ala Burton's Beetlejuice), savage gallows satire (ala Gilliam's Tideland) or deadpan zest for living (ala Kusturica's Arizona Dream). This has none of the three! NONE! I hate it the way I hate those stale nightmares I used to have when suffering from a bad flu. The deep aqua-blue tint of the wide open sky and the burnished gold sand indicate gorgeous cinematography and color-grading; the Tangerine Dream soundscapes keep it all at a dreamy windswept beguilement; Melissa Davis hams it up like a kind of Helena Bonham Carter gone butoh missionary, but it's not enough to make it worth enduring the spittle-flecked hamming of Michael Lake, usually filmed for maximum grotesque close-ups (his teeth need work).  Director Proyas went on to make The Crow and Dark City, so he has his fans. The rest of us might survive if we view it as a prequel origin story for Bruce Spence's pilot character in The Road Warrior. Nonetheless watching it is too much like that feeling of being trapped in the middle of nowhere I used to have as a child in the suburbs. God, being forced to hang out with these three people the rest of my life seems far worse than any death by dehydration. 

THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
(1980) Dir. Richard Elfman
* / Amazon Image - B

Though zany and strangely familiar to any one who's watched old Betty Boop cartoons while macro-tripping, the ceaseless toilet humor of Elfman's little miracle gets very old fast, in fact before it starts. There's so much shit imagery and septic tanks I wonder how mired in infantile poop obsession can any alleged adult be? Further, Oingo Boingo is one irritatingly uncool band. Clearly a lot of effort went into this film and Herve is amazing (those dewey eyes....sigh), but everyone else -- good lord. I felt sick to my sacrum for weeks after only ten minutes of viewing. God blind me to the sights herein. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

12 Cool/Weird Italian Films (Streaming up the Amazon)


Amazon Prime just keeps getting better and weirder. Recently a whole plethora of great Japanese and Italian titles have come tumbling forth (just ask.... the Axis), in all shapes, sizes, aspect ratios, language/subtitle variations, and restoration quality levels. It will take many posts to even detail a sliver of the vast tumbling canon, layers upon layers. So let's start on the Italian side: there's giallos, Gothic chamber horrors, peplums (i.e. biceps and sandals), westerns, action-buddy comedies (starring Terence Hill and Budd Spencer); a few weird Raiders of the Lost Ark action-western-sci-fi imitations; Road Warrior 'tricked-out vehicles in the desert'  impressions; Eurocrime (polizetti) thrillers; unbearably patriarchal-half-assed spy spoofs; and cheap-jack war surplus action, and of course fusions of each to each.

It's all in such vast array, so many unfamiliar titles, it might remind you of the first time you wandered into a major video rental outlet's horror section and thought you'd entered an alternate reality - having no idea so many strange films could even exist. Dizzy from the sudden surge of imagery and options, you nearly fainted (this being before the age of the internet or access to most movie guides, aside from maybe Leonard Maltin's (who came out only a few years into the video boon), who either ignored or panned them all based largely on the terrible dubs. Watching these now you realize you might be the first person to ever see them in this new format. Many have never been available in the US, or on VHS, DVD or TV.

So forget about Netflix and its 'originals' - Prime is in the midst of its Psychotronic-Internationale golden age!

But--as happens when spending too long in that video store, looking for your fix amidst all the fading-to-blue, tattered, thumbed clamshells as the afternoon, too, fades to sickly gray clouded evening--ennui waits for the unwary. SO PICK FAST AND STICK WITH YOUR CHOICE AND GET THE HELL OUT before you get stuck, chained to the rocks of options.

 The best of the Italian genre imports are usually well known, while the dregs are dregs for a reason. So be warned. Shot quick, cheap and crazy, they're wildly hit and miss. A good many are transferred incorrectly or from bad video dupes, so either look irregularly thin or else comes cropped, with colors turned to muddy streaks. Some titles are in Italian and don't have subtitles (and Sony DVD players are compatible with Amazon's CC option); some have subtitles burnt-in but are the English dub version which leads to wild discrepancies.

Some are so obscure they have to Amazon reviews at all, so dare to be the first.

But, even eliminating all the victim of these issues, there are still hundreds of titles the average American viewer has never heard of or seen that look lovely and beg a visit from the curious traveler. So, just for you, dear reader, I've assembled an even dozen -- three westerns, three giallos, three weird horror films, plus a Polizetti, one peplum and one sci-fi action. The juvenile comedies and Bud Spencer/Terence Hill joints I leave to God or whatever devil will have them. (Not that they're not a riot).

NOTA: Each post details the story as much as can be revealed without undoing the precious WTF? element. The musical scores are highlighted for they are always the key to unlocking the joy of Italian cinema, for they use ironic counterpoint, groovy jazz, and layered humor so deftly they put our 'telegraph' composers like John Williams and Howard Shore to deserved shame. I've assembled Spotify playlist with most of the film's scores embedded at end. Bon fortuna!

1. THE BLACK CAT 
AKA Demons 6: De Profundus 
(1989) Dir. Luigi Cozzi
**1/2 (Amazon Image: B-)

A parallel program to the Argento-Bava-Soavi school, this unofficial sequel to Argento's SUSPIRIA (and sixth in the catch-all DEMONS series) is by the 'great' Luigi Cozzi (STARCRASH, HERCULES) and factors in post-modern self-reflexivity to keep you guessing. It's the story of the making of a SUSPIRIA sequel. Screenwriter Marc (Urbano Barberini) writes a treatment for the story of a witch named Lavania, who he doesn't know is real, and rising from her grave a little farther every time her name is mentioned. Her face and hands are grotesque pustules (ala Lamberto Bava's first two DEMONS films) and she begins to take over the mind of Marc's wife, Anne (Florence Guérin). A hot local psychic busts out her big volume of Suspiria de Profundis which mentions the curse of Lavania. She encourages Marc to change the character's name to something else, lest the wrath descend. He won't of course, and we learn that the three mothers concept comes from an unfinished story by opium-fiend Thomas de Quincey. Argento is name-checked and there's even some familiar Goblin cues from SUSPIRIA. Meanwhile, without even knowing the story and busy with their newborn baby, Ann starts to demand to play the role, saying she "is" Lavania. But what about sexy Caroline Munro, luring Marc into the sack for the Lavania part? Michele Soavi plays the director. I didn't even mention the undead financial backer! Confused? Join the club. Still I'd rather go on a Cozzi ride, even if its rickety, campy, confusing and falling apart, than play it safe on some competent piece of junk like STIGMATA -hai capito?

The quality of the stream is as good as can be foe non-anamorphic full screen source. It was probably a direct to video entry, since by 1989, America's drive-ins--where Italian horror thrived-- were all but dead and Blockbuster was hitting its stride. Still, there's a lot to to love and the colors are nicely popping, like when Anne falls into dream worlds (or vice versa) and the windows glow bright yellows, blues, green, and reds (the whole last 2/3 is really all dream world or rather reality and dream unite and never more asunder be). The end goes all MANITOU and there's even an 'inner' child (literally, as in innards erupt) counseling Anne from inside the TV (see top of this post, center). Surely the meta-refractive horror levels make this a forebear to THE RING along with FREDDY'S NEW NIGHTMARE. Oh, and DEMONS of course. Sorry. I forgot, DEMONS did it first! This was DEMONS 6, as well as other things, so it makes sense to stick a meta motif up in there.


As for the music, well, even if it's not Goblin or Ennio Morricone, Vince Tempera's 'shoot for bodacious, settle for bemusing' score is certainly better than Keith Emerson's clueless melange in Argento's own SUSPIRIA follow-up, INFERNO. One caveat: why in the name of all that's unholy was this film's title changed to THE BLACK CAT? It makes finding it so confusing. There is a cat watching the action in some cutaways, but that's all. Meanwhile Italy had way too many "The Black Cat" adaptations: Argento's own adaptation of Poe's original story could be found in TWO EVIL EYES, and then Fulci did a BLACK CAT in 1981! YOUR VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM AND ONLY I HAVE THE KEY (1972) is also a kind of "Black Cat" adaption. Italians were "Black Cat"-crazy! I know Italians love to wall people up, but jeeze! Their collective obsession with the title maybe explains why it took me so long to catch up to this Cozzi curio, as I mixed it up with the other versions, which I don't much care for. This, though, I love. Get 'em Lavinia!

2. RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS
AKA I predatori di Atlantide
(1983) Dir. Ruggero Deodato
***1/2 / Amazon Image - B-

The unexplored gold mine cross shaft between Italy's RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, THE ROAD WARRIOR, BLADE RUNNER, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE WARRIORS and CONAN homages (circa 1979-84) has hundreds of sub strains and offshoots--a lot of them right here on Prime--all repurposing custom cars, old gladiator, western and war movie wardrobes and sets, all meshed 'post-futuristically' together for films that look more expensive than they were. Even better, as there's no CGI yet, or safety oversight in Italy, you can feel the heat of the fireballs reflecting up from the asphalt and singing the hair of the stuntmen, and know for sure there's no blue screen, these people really are (In this case) jumping out of helicopters onto the tops of speeding busses, and/or falling off. Let yourself be swept along in the madness and you might think you're catching this on late-night TV when late-night pay cable channel was still an exciting, strange, dangerous place (or at the very least, unintentionally hilarious) place to be.


So Mike (Christopher Connolly) and Washington (Tony King) are a pair of close-knit mercs who open the film by abducting some well-protected hombre from his well-guarded beach mansion hideout, the fee for which is $50,000, which the pair plan to spend frivolously down in Trinidad (they got a boat). Meanwhile, Gioai Scola is an ancient symbology expert flown over from Machu Picchu to decode a strange rosetta stone-style relic uncovered by a scientific team (led by a nicely laid-back George Hilton) who are in the midst of raising a downed Russian sub from atop a rickety mid-ocean platform. They raise it all right, but also cause Atlantis, in its protective bubble, to rise as well, creating a tidal displacement that smashes the platform, knocks Washington and Mike's ship off course, freaks everyone out with weird clouds, and activates some trigger in the minds of certain members of the populace, inspiring them to unlock the cabinet, put on their crystal skull masks, get on their tricked-out bikes and jeeps and kill everyone in sight who isn't similarly triggered.


At the end there's some INDIANA JONES-style booby traps (laser-eyed pharaoh heads, fan blades) but mostly there are great gunfights and stunts; endless molotov cocktails tossed out of windows and hapless stuntmen flying every which way. "Good" survivors are picked up along the way and die as fast. One great scene has one fighter realize the other must be 'okay' when they both fight to reclaim a dropped wad of cash (the Atlantean biker/zombies don't care about money, nor do they talk). All sorts of great little moments like that, just keep coming, and there's even alcohol and cigarettes.

As with all the best cross-genre Italian films of the 70s-80s, there's the sense they wanted to do more than the budget allowed so the big climax feels kind of undercooked but so what? Don't be difficult. You should have checked your brain at the door long ago, and at any rate how can you not love watching our two macho heroes flinging each other from side to side of the tunnel, gamely pretending like any minute they'll be sucked through the whirring fan blades during the climactic Atlantis inner sanctum breech? Like some scenario you dreamt up in your imagination one rainy day with your disproportioned action figures and an indulgent babysitter after you'd just seen RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK at the local theater for the 10th time.

PS- If you love JC's GHOSTS OF MARS (2001) you should know this has a strangely similar plot, right down to the archaeologist chick, the big daddy Mars type leading the planet-reclaiming marauders, and nonstop marauding stuntmen who wave their arms and go "Yaaarhg!" when blown up. One imdb user review (Celluloid Rehab) calls RAIDERS, Assault on Drug Store 13.  Brilliant.

Guido and Morizi de Angelis' 80s synth score is repetitive and video game-ish but bound to hit that nostalgic pang if you're in the demo. The Amazon image is a little faded and blurry but is probably as good as it ever looked outside of whatever theater actually showed it before it went to video and TV. It's never been on DVD for some reason, but one or two people clearly have seen it and embraced its lovely quintessentially Italian-made, Philippines-shot glory. I guess I'm the third. Will you be the fourth? I still won't see Deodato's cannibal movies, but at least here I can report that no animals appear harmed (or at all), but man you can bet some stuntmen got un po 'bruciacchiato. 


3. LONG HAIR OF DEATH
AKA I lunghi capelli della morte
(1964) Dir. Antonio Margheriti
**1/2 / Image - B+

This black-and-white Gothic ghost tale is full of devious supernatural Poe-style traps, long hair, bare, lovely alabaster arms holding candelabras, and long skulking camera tracking movements following the various devious players as they weave in and out secret passages, crypts, and tapestry-bedecked boudoirs. Directed by the the marvelous Margheriti (put a little music in it), there's never a dull moment and Barbara Steele gets to really sink her teeth into a double (kind of) role. She was doing a lot of them in the wake of her florid turn in Bava's seminal Black Sunday (a clear Hair inspiration) but she really makes an impression here. I started watching halfway through (I recommend this approach), then watched the beginning a few weeks later ---this made Steele's character that much more enigmatic - like she just appeared out of a dream.

Curiously, Amazon's Prime streaming version has burnt-in English subtitles but is dubbed in English as well! Sometimes there's a really telling discrepancy between the dubbed words and the subtitles, as if one is being translated by a nervous diplomat. Curiouser, the cover thumbnail on the site shows a woman in a (faded) red dress pointing a torch accusingly.  The film is, thank heaven, in black and white. Helping immeasurably to the Gothic vibery, Carlo Rusticelli's score throbs with eerie theremin, slow ominous bass notes and slow-moving orchestral swells, situating this ancient tale of witchy vengeance with just a dab of razor blade modernism.

The story involves a spoiled baronet named Kurt (George Ardisson), who poisons all those standing in the way of the family fortune and/or his lustful longings for long-haired brunettes. He even lugs corpses down masterfully-lit secret passages in order to be with ethereal (and long-haired) strange Barbara Steele; does she remember her mother was burnt at the stake by Kurt's father for a crime Kurt himself committed? Kurt's wife (Halina Zalewska)--who he personally entombed--disappears. Are all the servants gaslighting him by mentioning they saw her? There's also an outbreak of (offscreen) plague and a Wicker Man-esque final moment. Hey, Zalewska and Steele are gorgeous and enigmatic, with super long black, straight hair down to their waist and super pale skin, super long bare alabaster arms; I could watch them waft in and out of eerily-lit tombs and corridors forever. They're everything you'd want in a movie called Long Hair of Death, twice over. And Ardisson is a great villain, trading off his usual typecasting as a handsome hero to become an immature monster; part Richard III, part Bluebeard, part Rhoda Penmark, he genuinely thinks he's the good guy as he follows each obsession to the bitter end.

6. THE ITALIAN CONNECTION
AKA La mala ordina
(1972) Fenando di Leo
***1/2 / Amazon Image - A-

I try to avoid the movies that get too misogynist or cruel to animals (the suffocated kitten in SHOOT FIRST, DIE LATER) so I have to applaud the genial bear of a pimp played by German Fassbinder regular Mario Adorf (LOLA) for being nice to the junkyard cat in Fernando de Leo's propulsive minor masterwork, THE ITALIAN CONNECTION. Fingered by the local mob boss for their own sly ripping off the New York family's heroin delivery, Luca (Adorf) finds himself hunted on all sides as the don wants to off him before two slick American hit men (Woody Strode and Henry Silva)-- sent over to rattle the cages of the Milano chapter, confirm his innocence. Considering Luca is just one lowly pimp, silencing him shouldn't pose such a problem but they don't bet on just what a hard-headed badass he turns out be, or maybe the local mafia is only good at tormenting women. It's pretty thrilling watching Adorf, this bulky monster of ugly-sexiness, bash his way up the hierarchal chain, all while being kind and good-natured with animals and women. A sexy Maoist who used to work for him, lets him hide out there during a party (her walls are covered with slogans painted on posters vis-a-vis Situationist detournement). Meanwhile, posing as a couple of New York 'tourists', Strlde and Silva are shepherded through all the seedy pimp haunts by Luciana Paluzzi (the hottie SPECTRE agent in THUNDERBALL). Adolfo Celli (Largo in that same Bond film) is the Milan don, so you know Di Leo is a Bond fan).

Eurocrime movies like this one, modeled after THE FRENCH CONNECTION were required to have extended, furiously intense chase sequences halfway through the film, and this one has a real lulu. Moving from a chase down the Milano streets to hanging onto a speeding truck, to a backyard swimming pool, to the street, climaxing with Luca using his head as a windshield battering ram! There is some unsettling misogynist violence as when a pair of goons roughs up Luca's live-in prostitute girlfriend (Femi Benussi), pinching her and smacking her around, etc. but at least Luca's wife and child are run over, rather than mauled. I also love that there's no 'learning curve' to be endured. There's waiting for everyman Luca to shed his civilized family man veneer. He'd rather be nice to broads and cats instead of being misogynistic with a room full of loud cigar-smoking idiots, but that doesn't mean he's not tougher than everyone else. A great pumping badass 70s cop show funk score from Armando Trovajoli puts it all over the top, and of course, as always, there's an auto wrecking yard climax, this one comes replete with death by claw machine.

this is a real man - nice-a to animals
Also Recommended in this genre: two more good transfers of Fernando de Leo films, SHOOT FIRST DIE LATER (though kittens get less kindness), and THE BOSS. For an informative and fun (albeit burdened by a lurid section on misogyny) documentary, EUROCRIME: The Italian Cop and Gangster Films the Ruled the 70s.  All on Prime.


7. MATALO KILL!
AKA ¡Mátalo!
(1970) Dir. Cesare Canavare
**1/2/ Amazon Image: B-

One glance at Claudia Gravy (above) in her buckskin minidress, grinning wildly, playing swing set pit and the pendulum with a hunting knife and a tied-up preacher's son, you know that this movie came out in the bloody wake of Dario Argento's BIRD WITH CRYSTAL PLUMAGE. And BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID's success meant the Italian westerns now all had to have at least one anachronistic pop song, a bicycle, and a menage-a-trois. The new reality of the post-Manson era added that extra ingredient that make MATALO! sing: cute, deadly young hippie girls and their blue-eyed psycho gurus.

Looking/acting like a rabid Michele Carey (Joey in EL DORADO) fused with Tiffany Bolling, Claudia Gravy as outlaw moll Mary brims with lysergic guile and a feral sadistic sunniness, using her wanton wiles to keep the men in her gang at each other's throats, all of them held smitten in her steamy orbit. Fans of Seijun Suzuki abstractions like BRANDED TO KILL, or the existential 'between life and death is better than either life or death' macho Orpheus meditations of Boorman (POINT BLANK) and Aldrich (KISS ME DEADLY) will find much to love here too, as will anyone who always wanted to see a spaghetti western movie filmed at the Spahn Ranch by Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Set almost exclusively in a  dried-up ghost town, where our bandits hide out with their stash of stolen gold, the familiar plot takes a back seat to weird artistic moments thanks to director Canavare making full use of the vast empty, eerie, wind and and sand-swept exteriors. Termite close-ups, freeze frames, a swing set in bad need of some WD-40, a harp parked too close to an open parlor window's billowing curtains, all take precedent over the banal triangles. Then Mario Milgardi's electric guitar score exits Ennio Morricone wah-wah valley and moves to Hendrix watchtower, there to gaze in wild wonder at a town swallowed up with summer heat and sadism. If, in the end, it doesn't really add up to anything, at least the druggy use of slow-mo puts us ably in the heat-distorted minds of our crook trio and the dying-of-thirst boomerang guy they torture. (Fists in the Pocket-ed Lou Castel)

The other male actors are an odd-looking bunch, too: The leader, middle-aged Phil (Luis Davila), sacked up with Gravy (left), sports a terrible red wig parted on the side in a way that reminds us of all the terrible toupees to come in the vainglorious macho 70s; the gang's pretty boy (Corrado Pani) flashes steely blue eyes and a self-adoring grin, cocking his head like he thinks he's Steve McQueen (he's not but he is almost Adam Roarke); low man on the pole, Antonio Salines, looks like a droopy mix of Will Forte and John Cazale, wearing the least straight of all the gang's signature red wigs; Gravy likes to torture him with her steamy sexiness, leading to much sulking and beating up on hapless prisoner Castel, an innocent chump who just wandered into town looking for water. You'll want to beat up Castel too, because Gravy is so fine and so homicidally sexy. Castel--with his giant forehead and lack of firearms (he only uses boomerangs)--is just begging for abuse. Good enough at keeping WTF attention you may as well stick around for the gun vs. boomerang fight finale, with the bad guys patiently waiting for each of Castel's boomerangs to weave its way back before they return fire. In the end, Castel is saved by a very supportive and resourceful horse! Successful only in obfuscating how its success might be measured (we'd have to know what it's trying to do), Matalo! is nonetheless a film resolutely of its time and the Prime print looks perfect.

--



4. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE?
AKA Cosa avete fatto a Solange?
(1972) Dir. Massimo Dallamano
**1/2 / Image: A

What might be a kinky sex murder giallo (with a ripping Ennio Morricone score) turns out to be something quite different (a bizarro murder mystery) albeit one tempered by as nasty a misogynist MO as giallo has to offer. The murdered girl was from a local girl's prep school, and the prime suspect is a very sexy teacher there, Enrico (Fabio Testi), who can't admit he witnessed the first killing as he was with a very sexy student on a 'romantic' and very sexy boat ride. Is he being set up by his pissed-off 'androgynous-sexy' teutonic fellow teacher wife (Karin Baal)? Enrico is way too well-laid for the sex criminal type but the fact he needs to hide his witnessing the murder leads to suspicion. If it adds up to little more than a surprising twist denouement, at least you won't have the furthest guess who did it along the way.



The melancholic Morricone score sounds, in parts, like a cat fell asleep on the keys of a mellotron, and in others slinks with bass run single hand piano honking trumpet. Ennio did over 20 other scores that year alone. Maybe that's what happened - he fell asleep at the keyboard and just said 'good enough.' And he was right. Morricone's every note is so recognizably iconic, so perfect, that even when whole passages are little more than atonal palm mashes you can't imagine it done any other way, ever. At time he seems to be conducting three scores at once - a cop show bongo track an Hermman-esque suspense track and the product of their union - an avant garde industrial car crash.

Director Dallamano got his start after garnering notice as cinematographer of the first two films in Leone's big-breaking "Man with No Name" trilogy. He knows his way around a gorgeously composed shot, that's for sure. Amazon's streaming image appears sourced from the recent Arrow Blu-ray (which I have, and is recommended) with dusky deep blacks and vivid deep colors. Even a protracted scene at confession works because it's so gorgeous, girls' faces so luminous, and Ennio's toss-off incidental church organ melody indelible.

5. DEATH WALKS IN HIGH HEELS
(1973) Dir. Luciano Ercoli
*** / Amazon Print - A

A typically complex entry in the Edgar Wallace-Italian-style thriller tradition: Nieves Navarro  (Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion) plays the worldly nightclub performer daughter of a notorious jewel thief. How many times does she have to tell her mysterious caller: she's not involved in her father's affairs!?! She knows nothing of a package of missing diamonds, she says, though the voice on the phone doesn't believe her. Soon she's nonetheless embroiled in a complicated web of Charade-y intrigue, jealousy, extortion, mistress alibi-covering, beach house-spying, fisherman harpoon-skewering, corpses attached to sunken ice slabs to confuse time of death, and a blind witness. A bit too far on the macho cop procedural side for a true giallo, the action alternates between Simón Andreu slapping around peeping-tom sailors and a homicide detective (Carlo Gentili) in a white raincoat--with a suspiciously effeminate sidekick in tow--trailing after him. There's cross dressing afoot and we know an ice vendor is gay because he never stops sniffing a giant flower. Sigh. We're still there, are we?

The print Amazon streams off is clearly the recent Arrow remastering or something and it looks divine, darling - which is 60% of what makes a great Italian film - the other being the score, and this one is by Stelvo Cipriano which is code for high female vocals cooing wordlessly over jazzy drums and electric harpsichord. The dresses and make-up are more for comfort than color. There are only a few women in the cast, alas, to wear them anyway, but nowhere near the dearth we find in our next entry...

8. DAY OF ANGER
AKA I giorni dell'ira 
(1967) Dir. Tonino Valerii 
**1/2 / Image: A

Lee Van Cleef plays a tough gunfighter out to collect an unpaid debt: his share of an old gold robbery - he never got his cut and he aims to get it one way or another. To this end he kills nearly everyone in a small western town. The end. Or is it? Scott (Giuliano "Ringo" Gemma) is the town's handsome young orphan garbage collector/stable boy with a great gun arm (and teeth that would blind Erik Estrada). He teams up with Van Cleef and together they set about blasting all the corrupt heads of state in various towns and any amount of hit men said towns care to throw at them. Scott gets cocky and the old timer ex-gunfighter-turned-pacifist stable master, who taught Scott to shoot during their downtime, tries to explain killing is wrong, yawn.

Sexy Christa Linder shows up out of some Suspira-esque brothel doors, as one of the only women characters (though she gets only one or two lines in a single scene, it's still nice to see her.)
What counts here isn't the trite kung fu movie plot but that there's probably over 30-50 gunmen dead by the end of movie, and Van Cleef is unusually awake. In fact, he seems to be having a surprisingly good time, much more so than I've seen in any of his other pictures. It's been well restored (I took these screenshots to indicate woodwork and colors, stained glass and door frames that caught my eye) and composer Riz Ortolani adroitly fuses the flavors of classic Morricone ala THE BIG GUNDOWN and Nelson Riddle ala EL DORADO --both of which came out the same year! Can you imagine that drive-in bill?

Other Recommended Italian westerns on Prime: COMPANEROS: Great Ennio score --good looking transfer, though it seems very letterboxed / non-anamorphic. I haven't seen Fulci's FOUR OF THE APOCALYPSE but the Amazon streaming print looks good, as does the one for THE GRAND DUEL, which I've seen elsewhere and liked but don't remember. Then again, I already don't remember DAY OF ANGER even having literally just seen it, but that's par for the course. I think.

I do remember I found nothing in it to dislike, and--at my cranky age--that's everything. 


9. HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD
AKA Ercole al centro della Terra
(1961) Dir. Mario Bava
*** (Amazon Image - D)

Their quality is generally far below the rest of the Italian films on this list but I couldn't let you go without mentioning at least one 'peplum' film, and naturally it's Mario Bava's HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD (1961), available in its old blurred cropped form on Prime, and in a fairly decent anamorphic DVD from Fantoma. Hopefully it will one day have a Tim Lucas commentary Arrow Blu-ray remaster like the great recent BLOOD AND BLACK LACE.

But in the meantime, you can at least follow the story here, and since Bava does make a nice picture, it looks good even in the shitty cropped dupe. See it this way and wonder, if you dare, how we ever used to enjoy watching films that looked this bad.

The story finds a (tragically dubbed by someone else) Christopher Lee putting a spell on Hercules' (Reg Park) girlfriend, Princess Deianira  (Leonara Ruffo) while his demi-godliness out doing his mighty labors. Herc needs a certain golden apple to save her but it's hanging on a lonesome tree in the depths of the Underworld and all sorts of crazy trials, monsters, and hottie temptations await. His travel buddy, Theseus (George Ardisson --LONG HAIR OF DEATH) meets and falls in love with lovely under-underworld denizen Aretusa (Marisa Belli) and smuggles her out in their boat home with the apple. Her father, Hades (unseen), is pissed. Plagues (unseen) descend upon the land, and Herc realizes he has to return Aretusa to the land down under.  Theseus, I don't want to fight you! You can guess the rest, right down to the tired comic relief (a dork sporting one of the worst haircuts in film history who invites himself along), but along the way there's a big terrible rock monster (who declares Theseus is too short and proceeds to try and stretch him out like rolling dough), a gaggle of imprisoned sirens, Christopher Lee and his skeleton hand dagger trying to sacrifice Deinaira in a groovy graveyard (echoes of Bava's BLACK SUNDAY from the previous year) and Bava's great painterly gels. The robust classical score is by ever-reliable Armando Travajoli (who you'll remember from ITALIAN CONNECTION). See this crappy version long enough to realize you must get the DVD and get to praying for Hades to release the negative unto golden Arrow.

10. DJANGO
(1966) Dir. Sergio Corbucci
*** / Amazon Print - B

I can't tell if this is slightly cropped, but either  way, Amazon's picture is clear and seems lifted from the Blue Underground DVD, which I watched religiously.... long ago. BUT they only have the English dub option and its very weird hearing this square VO artist's half-assed Clint Eastwood imitation coming out of Franco Nero. He matches the lips rather than the mood, so makes Django sound slightly robotic. As we all know Franco Nero can do his own English dubbing in a very sexy accent, so it's most annoying. Luckily we can ease our frisson through Corbucci's fetish for lurid sadism: Whippings, mud wrestling, hand-smashing, and a guy being forced to eat his own ear,  Hey, them sadists all get their comeuppance, so no worries. And when they die they all jump in the air and fall backwards in bloodless pirouettes and our hero can wipe out six men at a time in a single quick draw of his revolver. And once he gets his Browning machine gun out of its coffin holster he can decimate whole armies.

There were about 300 'sequels', almost none with an actual character named Django and certainly not starring Franco Nero, who was pretty busy in an array of other genres and roles (such as the half-breed KEOMA--also on Amazon in a good looking print). Still, DJANGO is the role that made him an international star. And if you don't have an affection for all the hammy unrealistic mass death Django causes while hand-holding a Browning machine gun then you must have had parents who wouldn't let you play war with realistic cap guns in the back yard. And that's a shame, sez I, for in pretending to get shot and die on a regular basis a child loses some of his fear of death while also understanding its inevitability and social importance. Being able to do a flamboyant death when shot by a cap gun or just a plastic tommy gun or even just a kid making machine gun noise is much more important than playing it safe and living past the credits, as if there ever really is such a thing.

It's relevant to note DJANGO came out three years before THE WILD BUNCH so one wonders if Peckinpah got the idea for his big balletic Browning decimation climax from this film (he made sure to pay attention to the need for a tripod, and the hassles of belt-loading). The outdoor stuff is muddy and cloudy but there's lots of nice lighting in the cathouse and the girls are all allowed to have unique characters, interesting dialogue, and chutzpah to spare. The memorable theme song is by Luis Bacalov, sung by 'Rocky Roberts', re-used by Quentin Tarantino, of course.




11. OPERA
(1987) Dir. Dario Argento
*** / Image - B

Argento still had some good films in him by 1987, though many people consider OPERA his last success (I still like TRAUMA). Even so, it's got issues: opera diva Betty (Christina Marsillach) seems much too thin and wan to be a believable opera star (she'd be a believable music student though, like Eleonora Giorgi in INFERNO) but she's great in the horror clinches. Some deranged opera fan is stalking her, slashing up her costumes and/or forcing her to watch him murder her friends by taping needles to her eyes in a kind of bloody lash guerrilla performance art. He's hoping to inspire her Lady Mabeth performance, or something. Argento's camera never stops prowling around in gliding POVs of the killer, and the temperamental diva whose car accident enables Betty's big break, ravens, etc. Some of the murders may or may not be fantasies of the killer (depending on your interpret the 'pulsing brain' shots). "Whenever a woman has a problem, men presumes its love," bemoans Betty

As with many other Italian films from the Argento-Bava horror complex, there's instances of very dated heavy metal on the soundtrack during the murders, but there's also cool Hitchcock references, and an unkindness of ravens whooshing around the giant opera house during a live performance of MACBETH in a kind of KENNEL MURDER CASE-ish gambit, though then even that is kind of undone by the tacky whooshing eye-view camera; in other words, Dario's every genius step into the broken mirror has a backwards stagger.



The Amazon stream image isn't the best, kind of blurry, and the photography has the grungy color-drain look that was big in the late 80s-early 90s, but the cold gray is contra-stepped by the film's warmly familiar (to Italian horror fans) cast: Urbano Barnerini is the blonde inspector; Asia Argento's mom, Daria Nocolodi is Betty's buddy; Barbara Cupisti is the wardrobe mistress; Ian Charleson is the Argento-ish opera director. Francesca Cassola is the rescuing Newt / Alice type neighbor girl who spies on all the apartments through a passageway in the vents and helps Betty escape the slowly stalking killer with her timely whispers, leading to the scariest and most fairy tale dream-like (and therefore best) segment of the film; When the score's not Verdi there's some interesting synth stuff from Brian Eno, Roger Eno, Claudio Simonetti and Bill Wyman! Can't really go wrong, unless you're also using some hair metal growling from a forgotten Swedish metal outfit called Northern Lights for the 'kills'. Oh Dario... your inner dirtbag is showing!


12. DEATH LAID AN EGG 
AKA La morte ha fatto l'uovo
(1968) Dir. Guilo Questi
*** / Amazon Image - C+

Questi's seemingly benign tale is rife with weird flashbacks, twists, and ragged editing of an almost Bill Gunn-style sideways termite-Eisenstein off-the-cuff brilliance. Bruno Madera's patchwork soundtrack plunges down in the atonal piano mash abyss one scene and sashays up in bossa nova and Anton Karras zither the next, with shoutings in German over Brazilian violins during the lovemaking, adding to the off-kilter vibe. Story has Alain Delon as Bruno, a bitter pretty boy gigolo married to futuristic chicken coop CEO Gabrielle. He does a lot of skulking around the all white henhouse plotting to take over with hottie personal assistant Ewa Aulin and maybe killing prostitutes with Zodiac scarves. There are egg-related objets d'art-decorated offices and plenty of real eggs in rows. Gabrielle and Anna start dressing up like whores and frequenting Bruno's secret haunts to try to get to the bottom of his mysterious tomcatting. Or do they? (more)

AND HERE, THE SCORES ON SPOTIFY, to accompany your deep elbow bending:

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