Saturday, May 18, 2013

Early Hawks: THE CRIMINAL CODE, TIGER SHARK, CEILING ZERO, BARBARY COAST, ROAD TO GLORY


Much as I love Orson Welles, I've never quite forgiven him for his Cahiers du Cinema interview when he was asked about his three favorite American directors and answered, "John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford." How dare he exclude our greatest director, Howard Hawks? Of course it should be Howard Hawks, John Ford, and Preston Sturges. Ford was brilliant visually and emotionally but easily mired in his misty-eyed Irish sentiment. When he tried to do comedy he got lost in children's choirs and rolicking brawls. None of that for Hawksian men there's never any religion, or children. What these men do instead of all the stuff the Ford men do is to face danger on a daily basis, and make music together, and drink and smoke, and when they die, they die like men, or they survive like men; either way, without speeches. And if they meet a woman, it's ten times faster and more disorienting than a Maginot line charge. There's no chaperone, no parson beaming, no dance, no time for blarney. The whole fabric of the John Ford fort, the small town unity that extends in generations for centuries back, is sublimely shrunk down to a gummy old cripple, a drunk, and a limping sheriff, holed up in a jail and visited daily by attractive women who seem more modern and free of phony glamor than even Ford's dirty-faced tomboys. There's no mutually consenting nonmarital sex in a Ford film, and nothing but in a Hawks.


Needless to say, John Ford John Ford John Ford has won the history, he's got dozens of boxed sets in his name, Hawks none (aside from R2) and part of that may be that Hawks films are still very modern. There are very few misses in his canon but also nothing of superficial importance like GRAPES OF WRATH. The closest Hawks gets is maybe his most unHawkslike, SGT. YORK. Usually, instead of emotion, race, and historical accuracy, Hawks' films are fun, archetypal, witty, engaging, resonant more on a Jungian than Freudian level. In some ways it's as if Hawks films take place in the universe that Ford has set up, the same towns and valleys, but then hides out from all the boring town functions. While the Ford characters are square dancing, speechifying, voiting, learning to read and write, and eating big breakfasts, Hawks' characters quietly grab a bottle of whiskey off the table, sneak out back, roll cigarettes and skateboard around. Fords films are about obeying the rules, worshipping tradition, joining the social order with a deep Catholic devotion, and letting Victor McLagen ham it up; Hawks films are about breaking rules, sidestepping tradition, letting Dean Martin suffer through the shakes and PTSD brought on by past films enduring Jerry Lewis. "In case you haven't figured it out yet," John Wayne explains to his prisoner; "the minute your brother starts somethin' you're liable to get accidentally shot." The way Wayne says 'shot' is a chilling reminder of death's finality. In some films guns are just toys and marksmanship almost irrelevant - the heroes never miss and the villains never hit- but in Hawks it's about being a dead shot even with a pistol fired from the hip, or else staying the hell out of the way. The rules in most westerns seem very arbitrary and inconsistent. Hawks' films it's always perfectly clear. It's not that all good guys are great shots, it's that only great shots are welcome.

In the 30s, though, Hawks was still figuring himself out. He had some great writers, many of whom had also witnessed a lot of death, like William Faulkner, a fellow WW1 pilot who took very clear-eyed looks at buddies in danger. BUT Hawks had yet to find his signature action movie style, the male bonding-in-isolation, the querencia mentality, wherein courageous, noble, chivalrous marksmen, pilots, or hunters band together against great odds in an enclosed space. He had some masterpieces like SCARFACE, but in some of these early films he's bound by love triangles and other odd choices. Anyway, maybe examining these five early films (in order of release) will help. They're all rather obscure so I mention how to locate each film, be it available only on VHS, DVD-R, or TCM--which is a crime considering nearly every John Ford movie ever made is remastered out there on disc, and my own ratings.


THE CRIMINAL CODE (1931)
Avail. on VHS and Region 2 DVD
***
Walter Huston is a tough but fair warden who, as DA, sends a naive kid (Phillip Holmes) up the river for ten years after he whacks a masher with a bottle in a notorious speakeasy.  "An eye for an eye - that's the foundation of the criminal code!" snaps Huston, waving a black book like a blackjack. But there's also a different criminal code, which means don't rat out your fellow inmates. And there's a climax wherein if Holmes rats out a killer of a squealer he'll walk out a free man, but he won't violate the code. He won't! He won't he won't! he won't! Huston gets in some intense acting, grabbing the boy by the lapels and demanding to know who did it. WHO DID IT!??


There's some good press room overlapping dialogue introducing the action, but this doesn't feel particularly like a real Hawks film. Once he becomes warden, Walter Huston gets some chances to be super tough, like walking unarmed into a throng of hateful prisoners, or getting a shave from a guy in for life for cutting another man's throat, and there's a great silent build-up to the whacking of a squealer, with Karloff looming around like a white tunic-sporting Frankenstein, but otherwise characters are trapped in situations clearly contrived for Big Moral Issues, and an air of existential gloom hangs; there's not much room for Hawksian heroics in such a clamped-down situation (like if the whole of RIO BRAVO was told from the point of view of the imprisoned Joe Burdett).  In TARGETS (discussed here) it's the film Peter Bogdanovich and Karloff watch on TV while getting drunk in Karloff's hotel suite. The VHS is pretty solid, made back in the day when they built them to last.


TIGER SHARK (1932)
Occasional TCM airings, Warner Archive DVD
***
When Hawks focuses documentary-style on a tuna fishing off the coast of Steinbeckain California, going into the heart of tuna schools and pulling them up one after the other, throwing them all into a big trough where they flip and flop trying to escape, slicing each other up with their razor fins, you get an idea this was what John Huston was trying for with his mustang hunt in THE MISFITS. When one man fishes for himself, it's the natural order; when a crew fishes for half a state, it's mortifying. The good part here is that man's not strictly the apex predator, because where there's fish there's tiger sharks, and they love Portuguese commercial a-fisherman for dinner. Edward G. Robinson's jovial capatin loses his hand to one, and so wears a shiny hook (he gets it polished on his wedding day). Another guy loses his legs, dies, and leaves his daughter (Zita Johann) powerless against Eddie's boastful charms. Johann's weird pallor worked in THE MUMMY but she doesn't have the inner fortitude of, say, Greta Garbo's Anna Christie, and so when she falls for Eddie's partner, two-handed hunk Richard Arlen there's only the sense that he might have access to some benzos that would make the overacting of Robinson's angler bearable. Wrote Andrew Sarris, "Hawks remorselessly applies the laws of nature to sex.The man who is flawed by age, mutilation, or unpleasing appearance to even the slightest degree invariably loses the woman to his flawless rival." There's some good scenes and no bad ones in TIGER SHARK, but the problem is all this remorseless law applying and less natural danger. Robinson seems miscast, his constant chatter and Portuguese accent seem unduly weak for such a great actor. When he shoots at sharks from the safety of the crow's nest it only makes you sick, not inspired.
 

CEILING ZERO (1936)
VHS
****
Here's the first film where Hawks shows the rapid fire overlapping dialogue style that would become his trademark. A chronicle of the early days of Newark airport, wherein stray pilots are nursed through heavy fogs by a radio operator or two and Pat O'Brien, who try to deal with crises while old friends and a snoopy aviation bureau rep (Barton MacLane) try to interfere and/or say hello. We come to admire the way O'Brien can refrain from snapping people's heads off while he's engaged in life-or-death radio contact and some oblivious person walks through and starts joking around. Then, enter (tumbling) daredevil pilot James Cagney who served with O'Brien in the WW1 in the Signal Corp (where Howard Hawks served with William Faulkner). It's a bit similar to DAWN PATROL, in that O'Brien doesn't fly the planes, and has to send men up in bad conditions (ceiling zero means the fog is so low and so high even the sea gulls are grounded) and he doesn't like it.


A highlight is when they're all trying to help a lost in the fog Stu Erwin land after his honing beam goes out, and he can't get their radio signal but they can hear him shouting in panic and rage, presuming everyone on the ground is off playing poker and they're all shouting into different phone lines all along the flight plan to various listening posts and police stations, and the girl in the room cries and shouts "Why don't you do something?" and they all bark at once "SHADDUP!!!!" We see a slight strain in Hawks not misogynist per se, but his Hawksian woman was still being formed, and while the girls are of varying degres of toughness here, they are shown to crack up in a crisis, throwing little tantrums. There's also some surprising sexual frankness: June Travis offers herself to Cagney for succor after he loses Stu Erwin, who took the doomed flight so Cagney could have a date with her in a shadowy prefiguring of Joe's death in the early section of ONLY ANGELS HAVE WINGS.

The ending is one of those bits where everyone's noble self-sacrifice has to constantly trump one another's, but it's almost beside the point. What counts is that here is that Hawks has found his thing, the zippy overlapping dialogue of a bunch of professional men united in a common cause, against a common foe, and the weather, and the (notably Irish blarney-free) velocity of the Pat and Jimmy chemistry at full manly throttle. The VHS I got is blurry.


BARBARY COAST (1935)
(available on a solid DVD from MGM)
***
It's a rarity for a Hawks film to follow the leading lady around. Usually it's the leading man, the hero. He may not start the film but as soon as he comes on we never leave his side. But here it's Miriam Hopkins as the first white woman in San Francisco, back in the gold rush boom town days, when a ship from New York had to travel all the way around South America and took the better part of a year to get there, only to find a city of unpaved mud roads so nasty they can suck you under like quicksand, a dense fog filled with scammers, pickpockets, and ruffians, and inside nothing but crooked roulette wheels, shady murdering bouncers, and that pint-sized unlucky-in-love big shot Eddie G. Robinson.


There's a few elements that lets you know Hawks isn't fully himself in this, one of the films he made for MGM; he was a hired gun of Goldwyn's, and delivered the goods on time, end of story. He's not particularly enamored with his leading man, Joel McCrea, is a foolish poet-type who loses his hard-earned sacks of gold in one turn of Hopkins' fixed roulette wheel, a "cheap price for such an education." This after they fell in love as strangers both seeking shelter from a rainstorm at an old deserted cabin, the oldest excuse in the book, as Edward G. Robinson knows, myeah. Notes Cinephile:
"There’s little sexual tension, chemistry, or even the vaguest hint of innuendo between the two leads, it would seem a sign attached to one of the gambling tables in Robinson’s casino which reads “No vulgarity allowed at this table” is a rule disappointingly applied to the rest of the film as well. It has little visual identity beyond Ray June’s atmospherically foggy night-time photography (which does some fine work with shadows towards the end) and little of the cynicism or edge which marked out other collaborations with screenwriter Ben Hecht, instead opting for flowery, pretentious dialogue many of the cast clearly struggle with."

Gambling is a hard trick to do right by in film and Hawks isn't a great one for making money cinematic. The idea of everyone having to lug around sacks of gold through throngs of thieves, leaving us to worry about how easily they could be robbed is as far from the Hawksian sense of groups solidarity as you can get. Saving it all is Walter Brennan as a shell of his future self, Old Atrocity, he alone seems to achieve some sort of noble 3-D savagery. His survival in this place, his being welcome even in his disheveled form in the glossy casino (he lures strangers off the docks over the roulette wheel, perhaps for a cut of their trimmings) makes him one of those rare figures (like C3PO or Dennis Hopper) who can wander back and forth between classes, enemy camps, nature and civilization, because he really fits in neither.  Add some throw-away lines like "it's hard rowing when I'm so emotional" and it still adds up to a formulaic but well-detailed socio-historic romantic thriller that's no SAN FRANCISCO (1936), nor even, when all is said and done, a TIGER SHARK.


THE ROAD TO GLORY (1936)
(Portugese DVD - Region 1)
***1/2
William Faulkner co-wrote this one, a name-only remake to a 1926 Hawks silent. It's hard to imagine this was made a year after BARBARY COAST as it looks straight from 1930. Hope Lang prefigures the later Hawks heroines as a dreamy WW1 Parisian combat nurse with a beautiful black velvet choker-wrapped neck, bangs, pale skin, bangs, a sexy Red Cross on her cape, and a lower-registered speaking voice. She has the air of Lauren Bacall on the cover of the March 1943 Harper's Bazaar that won her a Hawks protege-ship.  You can see it in Lang's face, that same petulant weariness, just determined to do her part and her empathy for the boys' suffering never so haughty as to preclude sex.


The plot to ROAD is an uneasy mixture of the auld love triangle - new officer Frederic March meets Lang when they take shelter together in a bombed out saloon. He plays some tunes, and puts his coat over her as the Huns bomb the street above. Next day he's stalking her, bothering her at the hospital while she tries to bandage the wounded, unaware she's the mistress of shaky drunk Warner Baxter, his new C.O. Once Baxter finds out, of course, it's suicide mission time for March, a bit like the situation in Kubrick's PATHS OF GLORY or Von Sternberg's MOROCCO, or any of a dozen other films (like FRIENDS AND LOVERS, reviewed a few posts ago). Adding to the trouble is Baxter's father showing up and being played by Lionel Barrymore, who wants to get into the young man's game to prove his worth. He ends up hogging screen time with his usual business before grenading his own team. March puts up with it all stoically, and there's no guess how it ends --he winds up in command, DAWN PATROL-style, winning by default, and indulging in the pills and booze regimen that made Baxter able to send brave men to their deaths.


A memorable segment of the film involves Germans digging underneath the allied trenches. The soldiers know they can't abandon the trench, or the Germans will march right in. So they have to stay... and wait, as the Germans scrape away below, knowing that as soon as the scraping stops the bombs are likely to off beneath them. That's where the true courage is tested, the painful, prolonged waiting... and smoking. And there's a rousing charge across no-man's land, as well as sneaky night time flank maneuvers! It's great in its way, but its way isn't full Hawks, there's still the love triangle, the ignominy of war, the sense of being pawns in the grip of a story teller with a theme and message, rather than being characters gripping a director for no reason other than instilling a sense of pride in being human.


See also, the 1932 Hawks film THE CROWD ROARS, which I capsuled earlier. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

"In the words of my father... Oxnard." - Ghoulardi


For the average auteurist critic, deconstructing an opaque work like Paul Thomas Anderson's THE MASTER (2012) tends to involve making connections to the topographical 'conscious' of the artists' life, while the geological 'unconscious' -- the subtextual kernel to which the artist himself is usually blind by definition -- tends to be ignored. And yet it's this exact lower strata where underpinnings are made clear, a strata linked inextricably not to the artist but to his parents. In other words, to understand THE MASTER don't look at at Paul Thomas Anderson, look at his father, Ghoulardi.

I just re-watched THE MASTER (2012) today, and while the first time it mainly left me irritable (too stuffy in the theater), this time, on the safety of my own couch, paying only marginal attention, I thought of my own late father, Jim Kuersten, and of Paul Thomas Anderson's late father, Ernie Anderson, aka Ghoulardi, a Cleveland horror movie host of some legendary renown from the mid-60s. I knew the name, but figured he was just a Vaudeville schtick-jiving Mockula ala mein own Dr. Shock (with daughter Bubbles, below) on Channel 17, my favorite as a child in Wilmington, Philadelphia.

 

But as I researched Ghoulardi on Wiki, my eyes started widening and the pieces of the MASTER plan puzzle popped into place. He was beyond any mere horror-host pigeonholing, apparently. Ghoulardi was a maniacal anarchist, blowing up models and toys the kids sent in, live on air. He used a lot of free-associative beatnik slang of his own invention, like 'stay sick!'  He played his own surf rock intros (he was a direct inspiration for the look and sound of The Cramps), and ranted against suburban towns like Parma (Par-ma) with its polka music fetish. He had a pet raven named Oxnard. He smoked on air. He aroused the ire of the higher-ups. It was all broadcast live, and he said whatever the hell popped into his head. Not a lot of it survives. But the T-shirts live on. 


Watching THE MASTER this second time I could see some of Ghoulardi in the Satanic twists of Freddie Quell's forehead and in the cult-building improv 'making it up as he goes along' prowess of Lancaster Dodd. Anderson's cult might have been of young, crazy Cleveland mid-60s proto-punks rather than serious-minded adult proto-Scientologists, but it was a cult nonetheless. As Cleveland.com remembers: "Ghoulardi came before all the things we identify with the 1960s: the Kennedy assassination, the Beatles, Vietnam, civil unrest... Ghoulardi was the last Beatnik from the '50s and had this wisecracking irreverent attitude..." Check out this, one of the few surviving clips of the great Ghoulardi in action:



Listen to that deep, resonant Charles Middleton-ish voice! Do you hear a touch of Lancaster Dodd's deep croak? Most interesting is the knowledge that he had trouble memorizing his lines so just made it all up as he went, live on air, which is how Dodd's son describes his dad's methodology. And Ghoulardi was a chronic challenger to authority, standing up to the big wigs at his local TV station, and regularly doing crazy things like driving a motorcycle through the offices.


 Here's what Paul Thomas Anderson said about his dad in an interview, as reported in WIKI
"He was in the Navy stationed mainly in Guam. I don't think he did any fighting. I think he was trying - he was fixing airplanes and knew just where the beer was stashed and played the saxophone in bands and stuff like that. You know, every picture I have of him [shows] a beer in his hand. Every single picture from the war he's got - so he was pretty good about probably finding ways to get out of fighting. But again, you know, we never really talked that much about it."

In other words, Ernie Anderson was a wild man, a ballsy, deep-voiced iconoclast, a trickster, the father as wild man. He later became the announcer for most of ABC's programming and promos. And some of that fine work can be heard here. 


I know it's weird to write about a father on mother's day, but I was just on the phone with my mom to wish her a happy one, with THE MASTER paused on the first big 'session' between Dodd and Freddie. My own dad died of cancer a year and a half ago, and I never got to visit him in the hospital; he never would have wanted me to, either. He despised soap operatics. Our true good-bye was watching and rhapsodizing over Lumet's LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (1962), the highballs making him merry and open, and both of us enraptured by the pure ballsy artistry of every aspect of the film. I'm sure I'll think of him whenever I next see it again, which I hope is soon. I don't have any recordings of my dad, but he lives on in whispered pro-golf announcers, and old horror movies for me, which we used to make fun of together in a ritual of wit-honing.


My dad was fierce, tall and with a booming Wellesian voice, a drinker. He was larger than life, and he drank right up until the end, like a superstar. The doctors were amazed his metastasized cancer hadn't killed him years earlier, they theorized the booze was keeping him alive.  He fell and broke his ankle mixing a drink and had to be hospitalized, since his bones were shot because of chemo. And of course being in the hospital meant no booze. He was dead in a matter of days. I've hated doctors ever since, worse than Kate Hepburn in LONG DAY'S JOURNEY.  I still smoke, because fuck living forever like my 107 year-old granny, and when I feel my big Wellesian dad's archetypal energy alive in a film I tend to love that film as if it were my father's ghost. I want to avenge it against the Claudius critics and shout it from this blog's parapets. 


Ernie Anderson died of cancer in 1997, the year BOOGIE NIGHTS came out, the year I was first struggling to get sober. Paul Thomas was there for it all, sitting beside his dad's bed ala Phillip Seymour Hoffman in his 1999 film MAGNOLIA (see here for an analysis of this in context with Edward G. Robinson's death scene in SOYLENT GREEN).  Anderson wasn't around for his dad's Ghoulardi thing, as it was over by the time he was born. He did get to see it on the VHS tapes that are around in circulation and pieces of which are on youtube (and above): "What I do and what he did is so different, but he hated authority and he wanted to stir things up. And I hope my work always has that kind of spirit."

It does. Tell your parents to turn blue, he'd say. "Stay sick and turn blue." That must be a weird thing for PT to hear on a tape made by his own late father, but it's a weirdness the same late father left him equipped to handle. As a result PTA's films fly past the maudlin sand traps and safety-first Clyde-hopping of most films about flawed or dying fathers, and into modern myth. There's no stern moral or tsk-tsking in a PTA film, no matter how vile some figures are (such as the incestuous talk show host in MAGNOLIA), Paul just shows them love, not for their humanity but for their thrilling wild man energy. It's pretty clear in studying the Ernie Anderson story just where PT's love of wild man Screamin' Jay Hawkins-esque energy comes from.


There's also the sense Ernie was a partier, like my own dad, like me, like Jason Robards and his dad in LONG DAY'S, and of course Freddie Quell, who always has a drink in his navy hand, and knows alcohol for what it is, the last true line of defense against the void, and the void itself, the mirror through which the artist may behold the Medusa Muse of Mortality without turning to stone. If, in the end, it stones you just the same, at least you get to pick your frozen pose. 

---
One last coincidence, my dad always joked he was going to retire... to Oxnard. I forget why. He loved that name. It wasn't related to Ghoulardi's use of it, to my knowledge. We never lived anywhere near Cleveland, but he too loved its crazy name. Oxnard. He joked he wanted to retire there, and I needed to make money to pay for it. "You gotta earn a lot of money so I can retire in Oxnard," he'd say. I didn't. Oxnard exists now only in my memory.

(See also Great Dads of the 70s: Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights)

(and my initial post on The Master - Butler of Orbs 
and the The Master's Questions Answered by the I Ching)

Saturday, May 04, 2013

High Society and the Matrons of Frank

From top: Betty Garrett, Celeste Holm, Vivian Blaine
The enduring image of Mr. Frank Sinatra today is as a ring-a-ding-dingin', woo-flinging Vegas lounge wiseguy, crooning, chairman-of-the-bordering the Rat Pack, and shtupping a plethora of broads. But did you know he used to be called 'Frankie' and was once but a humble and naive wingman to blustery Gene Kelly in MGM musicals? The women he wound up with were bigger and strong and he was too thin and/or unwilling to escape. But it was wondrous because after some initial resistance he rolled with it. Like a smart operator he realized that beauty and innocence weren't much compared with easy action. If she had a good pitching arm, a car, an apartment, money, and a refusal to take no for an answer, what could he do? Ring-a-ding-Ding! 

The reasons for this unique rubric began in WW2, wherein Sinatra's quiet storm radio broadcasts won a massive following of soldier's stateside sweethearts. The skinny kid needing a mother angle was played up to keep the soldiers from getting jealous. Women could love Frankie and not be unfaithful in their hearts because it was platonic --they just wanted to cook and to care for him. Frankie was a good sport about being mistaken for a broom or carried off by strong winds when he guested on Bob Hope or The Jack Benny Show. But after the war he found it a hard habit to shake. Was this, once again, a product of the war? There were enough widows out there now, slightly older maybe than he was, who didn't need to wait for marriage to get laid. And so now their mother instincts were more intense than ever. And these ladies perhaps found their model in Betty Garrett, a brazen, no-nonsense gal with appetites, who picked up Frankie (literally) in On the Town and Take Me Out to the Ballgame. 


In Ballgame, their relationship was perhaps best summed up by the song "It's Fate, Baby it's Fate," a duet wherein Garrett makes her play, and Frankie tries to argue his way out as she chases him around the empty ballpark: 
 Betty: Too late, baby, too late,
So accept your destiny,
It's fate, baby, that you were meant to fall into love with me.
(break)
I'm gonna start it out on my astrology, and phrenology

Frank: It does not matter that you are Aquarius, or Sagittarius

Or Gemini or Scorpio or Taurus the Bull, Capriconicus or Pisces the fish.
Betty: Winter, summer, spring or fall,
As long as you were born at all,
Mister, you're my dish.

It's fate baby, it's fate.

Frank: Can't I even put up a fuss?
Betty: It's fate, baby, the stars have written that you and me is Us.
In On the Town she's a NYC cabbie who sings "Come up to My Place," and--in a move very bold for the 1949--convinces Frank, as a navy man on a 24-hour pass, to abandon planned sightseeing. Their horny quicke / nooner hook-up vibe gets so intense that the clueless cockblocking of her sniffling roommate is almost not funny. Luckily, Garrett gets her off to the movies so she and her mother love object can presumably have some of the most forthrightly implied casual afternoon sex since Dorothy Malone closed up the bookstore in The Big Sleep (1946).  (See more about my love for the Garrett / Sinatra dynamic in my 2006 piece, "The She Wolf Gets Her Man").


Garrett was a blast in both roles and was a tough act to follow. She wound up blacklisted--a commie!--and Frank lost the 'ie' at the end of his name and landed a major role in From Here to Eternity (1953). He still made musicals, of course, contending with the bossy broad Adelaide (Vivian Blaine, above) in 1955's Guys and Dolls, but it wasn't until 1956 that his musical persona began a transitional phase. He made two films that year-- The Tender Trap and High Society. The staid, supportive, witty, and patient Celeste Holm took over for Garrett, though he started both movies already knowing her, and only semi-interested despite spending all his time with her. Holm was no cabbie, but a photographer in one and a concert violinist in the other. Frankie was moving up and outside of his Hoboken class, and making the grade. But there was no spark with Holm. She was his launch pad, boosting his courage and catching him if and when he ever fell.


In High Society, Holm is in the place usually reserved for Joan Blondell or post-code Jean Harlow, the patient, long-suffering girl friday. It's Grace Kelly Frank really sparks with. They bring out the best in each other, which says a lot. It's supposed to be Bing's show, but as soon as Sinatra gets behind a bar and gets to make some drinks and sing to Kelly, a curious magical thing happens, Kelly feels it, we feel it. Sinatra looks and sounds and moves the way the giddy warm flush when the first drink hits you right as the setting sun starts to shine in your eyes. Frank's set to 'smolder' and he leaves Bing looking almost anemic, hungover and outgunned.


This wasn't just a Hoboken son getting lucky with a future princess but a career-turning revelation. A deep, poetic, sincere romanticism that Sinatra could only really convey in his best recordings comes out right there and the old innocent 'Frankie' disappears forever. The booze, the bar, the saloon song, the intimacy of two people alone at a bar, this--it was clear--was Frank's sacred ground.

But he still had to go back to Holm in the end, because he would never be able to go all the way into high society. He was meant for the quiet hideaway bar rather than the ritzy soirees. And Holm, at least in High Society, wins by default. But her mother instinct was growing obsolete. She expected her Icarus high-flyin' swinger would plummet back into her arms once his wings melted into the morning's hangover. But there was emerging from the sands a city where the bars never closed, the crooning, drinking, and seducing could go on 24/7 - there was no need for Holm because there was no need to ever come down... Las Vegas.


In Frank and Holm's other 1956 film, The Tender Trap, Frank's a swinging New York City talent agent with a constant stream of dames, allegedly, but he only seems to be seen with Holm, whose classy carriage (she's an orchestra violinist) and Broadway wit anchor his confidence. She works in the scheme as the girl who will put up with his tomcatting and stick by him because she's got nothing better going on. When they meet marriage obsessed singer Debbie Reynolds (one of Frank's new clients), they grill her on her life goals (three kids and a home in the country within five years, or bust) and she's so naive she doesn't even recognize they're kidding her. Holm gets to seem cosmopolitan here but then the censor steps in, presumably, and it's revealed Holm is plain old-fashioned girl, too. At least she's fun, while Reynolds' character is bossy and controlling and frowns at any kind of non-Better Homes and Gardens-style party planning. Still, Frank's womanizing attitude buckles like arctic summer ice when he finally falls into her arms, and its beautiful to see.


Frank was now drawing the A-list stars, but the stars on the virgin side of the old dichotomy--Doris Day and Reynolds--and on the other, rat pack stalwart Shirley MacLaine, whose 'party girl' make-up and a solid range of acting chops didn't preclude her playing the doormat, adopting some Vivian Blaine-shrillness as the girl who won't stop chasing Sinatra even into his hometown (where he goes for a frigid English teacher instead) in the non-musical Some Came Running (1958). As he almost did with Holm in Trap, Sinatra marries Shirley for the wrong reason and she happily take her pimp's bullet to save his life and open him up for more reciprocal relationships. Were any of them coming? Or just some more mothering Brooklyn-type broads (whom he considered himself too good for) and slumming college-grad good girl virgins (vice versa)?


Pal Joey (1957) was another musical, another Sinatra stepping persona stone. He's a self-aggrandizing but small-time crooner / strip club emcee, 'mothered' by the babes (here he calls them "mice") but now a new form of Sinatra film was cohering--wherein the songs 'functioned' within a dramatic context, and the babes competing for him were both hot and aggressive. With his method of seduction stated as: "treat a tramp like a lady and a lady like a tramp," it's natural he would get one of each--Kim Novak as a small town innocent in the chorus and Rita Hayworth as a rich widow / ex-stripper. A bunch of showgirls do his laundry, serve him bagels, and so forth, but since none of them get jealous over each other we wonder if they just feel that old devil mother instinct, because more than ever, in Joey, Frank looks very, very thin, wan, undernourished, especially compared with Novak, a big girl more suited to a big man, like Bill Holden with his shirt open in Picnic. 

But Frank was finding his inner fire, a heat forged from booze, artistic aspirations (he did after all pioneer a whole new style of recording, single-handedly popularizing and promoting the long playing LP) and that old black magic power he was generating, a power that's socks-your-knocks off in his "Lady is a Tramp" seduction of Hayworth, or when he starts to walk away at the end in his iconic white raincoat and hat. It's this film wherein he seems to find his enduring Vegas style it's all in that walk, away from Hayworth's yacht and off into the Frisco fog, with a dog and Novak at his side. Bogey had that same walk and a similar raincoat in Casablanca, and we all know Bogey ran the original Rat Pack, which Frank had been in, as an admiring young pup. It paid off.


A mark of his maturity was his willingness to look foolish. In one of the Joey songs, "My Funny Valentine," Novak sings of his less-than-Greek figure and unsmart dialogue. For "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," Hayworth refers to him a "half-pint imitation." Each song is a smoldering high point in the film, bringing both those now-standards to giddy heights of smolder, each basically about the eternal Frank question: why this half-pint imitation-- skinny, arrogant, class climbing--still delivers the sexual goods. It's a testament to all three performers that we can feel their rapture so keenly. As Stephanie Zacharek recently wrote about Baz Lurhman's Gatsby, there's a difference between a faker and a phony. And Frank is so authentic he can submit his faker persona to enough withering epiphanies and humiliations to kill ten ordinary Gatsbys, and not even flinch.


By 1960, due no doubt to all this good bad behavior, his mother instinct stigma had receded even farther into the background, to the occasional needy ex-one night stand cum-stalker, while in the foreground the McLaine broad types, the slumming socialite types, and the homey types were coalescing into one perfect package, such as Angie Dickinson in 1960's Ocean's Eleven. An ironic mention of the old mother instinct is found in a snatch of dialogue between Dean Martin and Dickinson upon their meeting up:
DM - What made you come back? I've come to the conclusion it must be love. Mother love
AG: I'll consider many things: mistress, plaything, toy for a night, but I refuse to be a mother, that's out.
DM - Don't get me wrong, I'm the mother....

Then there was one final mother: Janet Leigh i The Manchurian Candidate (1962). This one comes in like a relapse, understandable since Frank's character is major in the process of becoming unglued as a result of nightmares and PTSD. Janet Leigh, hardly a matron or a broad follows him out of the bar car; he's shaking and glazed with sweat, unable to make eye contact and she gives him a cigarette because his hands are too shaky to light his own. This prompts her to give him her address and phone number, presuming a man in his DT-esque condition will effortlessly remember both. To seal the deal, he calls her to pick him up from jail, and in the cab home she announces she's already broken off her engagement because sweaty, shaky, twitchy Frank is such a catch. She says she's an orphan, a reincarnated Chinese laborer (an eerie prefiguring of Mrs. Iselin's Asian connections), so is she a spy, or is the mothering instinct here gone so rogue it's gone red, found its way into the cold nether regions of political intrigue in a bizarre mirror of Lansbury? Leigh's character is sexy and smart, but her love is so total and so unearned its unnerving. At least, by the end of the film, Frank looks great - the sweat glean is gone, the uniform is pressed, and he's not skinny anymore. He looks ready...

Then, JFK, a personal friend of Frank's, died. It traumatized him, the nation, the world, and brought an immediate end to all innocence. Mother instincts were out, for keeps.


Do I have a purpose here, in following this 'mother instinct' thread through Sinatra (whom I adore so don't think I'm criticizing him). It's just that as an ex-boozer, an ex-rock band member, an ex-husband, a struggling writer whose work is littered with typos, a burn-out, I've had my own troubles with mothering co-dependent women. I've been fought over and plowed under, ignored and suffocated, I've stared out hotel windows at dawn with a bourbon in my hand and Steinbeck on the bed in the wee wee hours.... not even trying to be legendary, just trying to not shake. Have I suffered for Frank's sins? Is the whole mother instinct thing and Frank's efforts to be rid of it responsible for the glamorizing of boozy misogyny that coursed through Sinatra's Rat Pack schtick, and which in turn infected generations of boozing men like me?


Frank would know--he was always more intellectual and caring than he let on--but he's gone, flown off to the next seedy marquee and the next studio. Hopefully he won't have to spend another film career escaping and then submitting to the tender trap, and then maybe those of us who follow after him (avidly) won't confuse maturity and womanizing, and we won't try to escape the hydra's many-stringed apron by finding a different apron, until we wind up getting tired, and settling for the one that ties us up faster than the rest, and ties so tight we can't escape, and so then we can spend the rest our stage time escaping, bemoaning the leash like the courageous dog whose a coward off it. It's not fate, baby, it's just men trying to figure out how the hell they got into the messes they call their lives. Once they figure it out, they're gone. They'll call you, baby, but don't crowd them.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Pre-Code Capsules - SCARLET EMPRESS, LADIES THEY TALK ABOUT, THE BARBARIAN, FRIENDS AND LOVERS, THE RICH ARE ALWAYS WITH US


SCARLET EMPRESS, THE
1934 - ****
Von Sternberg was very advanced artistically but one could argue he never quite entered the sound era, preferring the language of symbols, small gestures, and intertitles -all of which nearly suffocates the first half of SCARLET EMPRESS, which is based on the diaries of the sexually voracious Catherine II of Russia. The film begins contrasting the flower-encrusted but regimented life of a young Austrian noble woman whose married to Russian Prince Peter the Half-Wit --via long distance courier, the handsome, brooding, impeccably-uniformed John Lodge. The beginning scenes in Prussia are so unbearably stuffy with 17th century decor and pompously over-orchestrated Russian melodies that an air of claustrophobia hangs over everything, there's one unbearable matriarch after another as Dietrich is poked and prodded like a piece of meat at the butcher's; by the time Lodge has whisked her fully off to Moscow he's in love with her and she with him, and we're in love with all the richly photographed sable wraps. The reigning queen in Russia is played by perennially-cranky 'dowager empress' (Louise Dresser), and her no-good nephew Peter a bug-eyed Sam Jaffe, who dislikes his new wife and returns to prowling through the Satanic art-bedecked corridors of the royal palace like Harpo Marx on meth crossed with MESA OF LOST WOMEN's Dr. Leland. 


Things are even more oppressive in Russia, at least at first. The dowager doesn't give a damn about what Catherine wants, so long as there's an heir to the throne. Between all the horses marching tediously along by the hundreds (JVS digs filming his "1,000 extras") and the intertitles ("Pushed like a brood mare into a marriage with a royal half-wit") and nature shots, lockets falling gently down the length of vast trees, lengthy songs in churches and ringing bells, and strangely modern, rather overwrought Satanic sculptures at ever turn, this may be the most staid, nonrepresentational and boring, IVAN THE TERRIBLE-prefiguring film ever made. That said, John Lodge inhabits the bright, drearily cheery Austrian parlor in the beginning like a tall dark shadow, glistening with sexy sable collars, and if you're in the right half-asleep, stressed frame of mind wherein you dig falling asleep to the molasses-slow poetic kink of Jean Rollin, then Von Sternberg being a little too obsessed with the sadomasochistic double bind of Marlene being forced to brood mare it up, and the urge of Peter to drill holes through his mom's walls so he can spy on any lesbian hanky panky,  then you should have no trouble sponging up any aesthetic gloom overkill, and just lean back and watch Dietrich age 20 years over the course of the film. Based on what Von Sternberg writes in his Notes from a Chinese Laundry, that's kind of what happened, thanks to his slowly mounting hatred of his icy star.


LADIES THEY TALK ABOUT
1933 - ***1/2
"Watch out for her. She likes to wrestle," notes convict Lillian Roth of a cigarillo-smoking lesbian who looks not unlike famed lover of Garbo (and possibly Babs), Mercedes De Acosta. It's only one quick shot during a long and engaging women's prison tour Roth gives Barbara Stanwyck after she proves herself tough enough to get along, but knowing what we know about Stanwyck's private life (though she never came out of the closet, so it might not be 100% true) it's interesting to find her character semi-mocking a fellow sewing circle sister onscreen; then again, at least the gay/lesbian reality was represented, especially at Warner Brothers, where fey tailors (such as a scene of a fey tailor taking Cagney's measurements in PUBLIC ENEMY, only recently restored after being cut for re-release) were made fun of, winked at, but never sneered at or hate crime targets. They existed, in some form, only until 1934, and then again, deeply coded, in the 40s-50s (i.e. Joel Cairo, Arthur Gwyn Geiger). Since LADIES was never re-released aside from pre-code festivals, and Maltin's groundbreaking Forbidden Hollywood VHS series, which is where I first laid eyes and heart on it.

Mercedes De Acosta - right / Dyke in LADIES - left

The bulk of the rest of the film deals with an on-off love affair between gang moll Babs and moral crusader Dan Slade (Preston Foster). Theirs is one of those martyr-ish love affairs where each one tops the other in sacrifice and honesty. He trusts her word and gets her off after she's busted as a bank job accessory. She takes him up on his true love offer, and confesses she was really guilty; He sends her to the joint; she gets even by tearing up all his pleas to see her; when she relents it right about the same time she's aiding two men from across the prison in an escape. Dan's terminal earnestness all but mocked openly by WB screenwriters, but they looove Stanwyck. She's given plenty of those great freak-out scenes, where a terrifying tough madness comes through her soul and hits the screen like a ton of two-fisted feminine moxy, the kind Sharon Stone aimed for and hit, but never really shattered the target like Babs. The huge gaggle of female convicts are (a few exceptions aside) all friends, the bull-ettes are nice if you behave, hell, this women's jail seem almost like Vassar except, as when Lillian Roth sings "One Hour with You" while mooning over a glossy of Joe E. Brown, you know that hetero-wise, things are pretty desperate.


THE BARBARIAN
1933 - **1/2
It’s one of those films that could only have been made in the pre-code era at a trying-to-be-sinful MGM. Like the beginning of SVENGALI, we begin the film seeing gigolo Egyptian guide Emil (Ramon Navarro) saying a tearful good-bye to a rich white European tourist lady on the outgoing train, and afterwards affixing himself to British socialite Myrna Loy. Naturally, miscegenation would be out of the question, except that like all British socialites visiting Egypt, she has an Egyptian mother (or rather 'had' - they're always dead, these exotic Egyptian mothers); she's here to visit her indefatigably British fiancee (Reginald Denny), whose saddled with an unbearably controlling mother, and blessed with the king of 'harrumph' - C. Aubrey Smith (lower left).

 Emil first worms his way into her flower-strewn hotel room via offers of service as a guide; he absorbs the casual cruelties he's subjected to at the hands of the lordly British, when he accompanies them on a trip to the pyramids, a weird highlight of the film. But the film is from MGM, so let’s face it, woefully short of Paramount's charm or Universal's lurid expressionism. If Zita Johan went off into the Gary Cooper MOROCCO desert with the Mummy, but he wasn’t the mummy anymore but some Egyptian gypsy prince or whatnot, and add in some 50 SHADES OF GREY un-PC whipping and dominance head games Stockholm Syndrome romance, well that gives you some of the plot here, and don’t ignore the erotic Myrna Loy bathing scene; it’s approximately. as sexy as Claudette Colbert’s milk bath in SIGN OF THE CROSS, which if these things matter to you, is nowhere near as awesome as Maureen O’Sullivan’s underwater nude swimming in TARZAN AND HIS MATE. Frankly I’m ashamed of myself for knowing all these details. And so is Ramon Navarro, or will be, once he’s caught by Myrna’s coterie of harrumphing Enlganders (C. Aubrey Smith included).

1931
Erich taunts his wife with Adolphe's love letters

FRIENDS AND LOVERS
1931 - **
British officer Laurence Olivier goes a bit bananas as the other man who loves nymphomaniac Lily Damita in this stuffy, tangled FAREWELL TO ARMS-meets D.H. Lawrence-ish saga set partly in London, partly in Paris, partly in.... India, and always right on the MGM stage. The best parts are in the beginning, with Erich Von Stroheim as nymphomaniac Lilly Damita's porcelain collector aesthete husband. Lolling languidly in the surf of Menjou's discomfort at having his lame alibi so casually deflated, it turns out Erich's habit is to catch, then blackmail his errant wife's many lovers, charging Menjou $10,000. because "porcelain is... expensive." We root for Erich all the way, especially since Damita is such a wearying screen presence. She can be charming, but when she's not 'on' she radiates a restless peevishness, like she's been kept waiting all day by the director and hasn't had a bath or a bite to eat.  Nice legs, though. Too bad that later best buddy and fellow Damita-schtupper Olivier tries to shoot Menjou in a fit of jealous pique (by this time Damita already has another fiancee in the wings). This all seems to be enough of a climax for MGM and the ending abruptly dumps us on the curb, since everyone's weekending at beloved old character actor Frederick "Here's to the House of Frankenstein!" Kerr's estate, and though he's cool with underhanded business, eh wot? his shrewish wife boots them all out for conformity's sake. It's a lot business that adds up to little more than the bros-before-hos credo 'tested' and broken on the rocks of Damita's scattered lips. Better we should have followed Erich von Stroheim, to the grave if needed!


THE RICH ARE ALWAYS WITH US
1932 - **1/2
Divorce, in and of itself, was still enough of a subject for a film back in 1932, even at Warner Brothers. This time the action revolves around novelist Julian (George Brent) pestering newly-divorced rich socialite Ruth Chatterton into marriage. She wants to have a little fun in Paris first, but secretly wants him to come out and pester her, presumably. Brent always presumes these things which is one reason I dislike him. He's the gateway rationalization of rapists, always presuming no means keep trying since who can resist him, in his mind? Meanwhile, as Chatterton talks on the phone from Paris, her kid sister-like college chum Bette Davis tries to steal Julian away, but in Midge kind of semi-joking manner that never works, until maybe the very end, if the man you're stealing is Frank Sinatra and it's the early 50s.
 
What's so fascinating this time around is the idea that ex-married couples can still be friends and look out for each other. Ruth's investment broker ex starts losing his clients once he's seen snoozing the night away at ritzy clubs with his new Paris Hilton-esque gold-digger wife. So Chatterton comes home and throws her weight around to keep him afloat rather than marrying the sappy and sacharine Brent, who's fond of purring bad lines like, "Will you think I've fallen out of love with you if I light a cigarette?"  Davis' dialogue is, on the other hand, pretty smart, and the issues of marriage and divorce rather adult, and Alfred E. Green (BABY FACE) directs with plenty of that old WB pepper, boy, but there's only so much you can do with this sort of material. No sooner has the bitchy new young wife announced on the drive home that she's pregnant but doesn't want to have the baby since it would ruin her figure and tie her down to some squawling brat, BAM! She's killed in a car wreck. But at least she got to say what everyone's thinking. Julian would be better off with Davis, but that's not to say Chatterton doesn't have great ditzy appeal; she's the living hybrid stop between Carole Lombard and her mother in MY MAN GODFREY (1936), and I mean that as a compliment.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The 5 Final Destinations Nation


 

The most effective teen horror films, like HALLOWEEN and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, know that closed-down gold mines or prom trains or the moon or other weird settings don't scare us as much as the place we're from--suburbia. The FINAL DESTINATION series gets this right in its flash-cut minutiae of hazardous modern life lightning time-image montages, a dozen nurse's office wall's worth of queasy safety warning poster moments. No other horror franchise has tapped this rumbling keg of daily anxiety, not least of which being, presumably, that most kids making horror movies today have never even seen real life, only other horror films, and scripts, and Hollywood. And it takes a sensitive, true paranoiac to even notice these little things--spray paint can too close to a candle, or soda cup condensation too near a tanning bed outlet, or a small crack in the window seat--and such a one/s are James (X-Files) Wong and Glen Morgen, writers who've done a lot of X-Files scripts, you know, the ones with the "Smoking Man." See, it all fits together.

The stories all start the same: a group of teens or young adults or 'adults' are at an event or on a journey to some other destination that ends with one of them having a grisly premonition, freaking out, and saving his or her immediate cronies, plus some random others. But this premonition has upset the natural order, so we got death plotting little Rube Golderg-style mouse traps using the materials at hand, turning nearly every situation lethal through only a few little winds or power surges. Sometimes death is more clever than others, but always death shows a flair both as a Young Person's Guide to Home Safety manual come to life, and witty horror. Most of the blood is CGI and glows a dark shiny red, there's no sick in the gut feeling over the gore, just what Pauline Kael would call a 'dirty kick' - a remembrance to being a very young child and alert to all the tiny things that might add up to kill you, and to being an older child, drawing nasty decapitation contraptions instead of concentrating in algebra class, that is, if like me, you hated being told what to do all the time, man.


I guess it takes growing up alienated to relate. I would love to see a squel where some super shy kid has one of the premonitions and is afraid to look uncool by freaking out and quietly sits there, shaky but stoic, as everything he saw comes to pass... That would have been me, during the early 80s slasher boom, too cool to pretend I wasn't terrified of my own shadow, so I just stayed frozen with a sunglassed smirk and hoped the killer would be quick about it. It never did....cuz death is a pussy. 

I've lectured to enough stone-quiet college kids nowadays to know my brand of morose teenagerdom is both better and worse, with a chemical buffer to their pain that stops them from being too sad, maybe, but also stops them rising up and declaring their right-to-be-weird trophies, and that's just one reason why the Final Destination series wouldn't work as well if set outside the USA, where we're still embarrassed about dying, like it's dandruff or an STD. And if it's inevitable, then we still have to fight it, like it was genuinely evil instead of just impartial and passive, hiding behind its hip black Raybans. This is, of course, unfair of us, just old-fashioned Puritan dread, the kind that demands after every ascension into Jessica Lange's arms there shallt also be a zipped up body bag and Ethel Merman. This the Wong and Morgen writing duo understand, which is why the 'precog' is treated like a monster by around half of the saved kids and their parents, and of course these are the 'normal,' Christian, white, hetero, NRA types, the ones who are afraid of--and embarrassed by--death yet also obsessed by its use as a legitimate sexual desire alternative. Therefore, death is dirty, and obscene--the Puritan ethic again--but then of course the undercurrent always springs up, Boinnggg! The politician who hates gays so much he just has to cruise the bus stops and pick up male escorts, etc. Their heads are buried too deep in an assortment of dogmas to ever see themselves clearly, so these weird inconsistencies seem perfectly natural to them, such as hating and fearing the person who saves your life, or voting for more war but against health-care for 9/11 first responders.


Another unwritten American fear underwriting the Final Destination Nation is the 'burnt melting-pot' syndrome. We pay good money to be able to avoid our neighbors, in the darkened rows of theater seats and tract homes, and now that our lives are saved, the lights are on and these gays and minorities want us to talk to them, they can't stop coming up to us warning us some other thing is out to kill us, they knock on the door at all hours of the night and indirectly cause most of the killings they're trying to avert. Instead of being afraid of a monster we're expected to embrace all living things as part of our collective experience, because they saved our lives... til later. Instead of living in our constrictive view of what it means to be Americans, we're forced to become continental and existential. How the Europeans laugh!


But what makes these films 'fun' even for Americans is that preconception and paranoia go hand in hand, and that's what makes us a nation of psychics. We've seen so many horror movies we're always know when something's about to happen. A perfect meta-textual William Castle gimmick, Death can almost hear us shouting at the idiots onscreen and it's tickled to death. Hey, it has a sense of humor, loves to fake us out and surprise us. And best of all, it doesn't traumatize us in its devious design. No single figure of malice presents itself; there is no bogeyman who can be barricaded out, no icky sexually assaultive aspects. Instead there's just a lovable, twisted, silent, invisible Rube Goldberg coincidence time-space serpent, occupying the same 'no space' omnipresence of ourselves as viewers. As Oppie liked to say, now we are become death, the destroyer of worlds.

Here they are in order:.


FINAL DESTINATION (2000) - **1/2
The plane crash opener is solid, but this film falls off from there. Devon Sawa is too solemn and sweaty and it makes no sense why he would still go out of his way to save the life of the main dick who torments him all the time, for no real reason (either for the saving or the tormenting), or why the dopey fed who suspects him of foul play regardless of the facts doesn't bother to Fox Mulder for past premonition cases. And Sawa does himself no favors, racing into the houses of those he reckons are about to die, indirectly causing their deaths, getting their blood all over him and leaving fingerprints and shoe prints in the blood before running off. I've known dumb kids like this in real life, and one of the reasons I've never been arrested is because I always just walk away when they start acting like this, so why should I stick around now?

The love interest, a girl with the great character name of Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) exudes fresh odd final girl Wednesday Adams-style resilience which makes up for Sawa's glum posturing. The other highlights include a visit to a mysterious undertaker (Tony "Candyman" Todd) who dispenses cryptic advice, and a great middle section with Devon alone in a cabin, 'death-proofing' every last corner and jagged edge, helps us through the dumber moments. Overall this gets by more on chutzpah than ingenuity. The series got a lot better once it limited death's palette to the freaky but possible, requiring much more Rube Goldbergian ingenuity on behalf of the writers, and scaled back the unlikely associations of total douche bags with the heroes and heroines.


FINAL DESTINATION 2 (2003) - ***1/2
A big step up from the first one, with a great catastrophic highway accident opener. This time the teen gifted with grisly premonitions is female (A.J. Cook), and the return of Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) in full final girl glory (the scenes in her padded cell are hilarious) means two final girls. And there's far less teenagers involved and more a random assembly of highway mergers. Some of the more obnoxious characters are a cokehead biker and a douchey tool who just won the lottery. Your money's no good here, douche! Death works pro bono. I like when they all decide they have to move in together and start death-proofing one of their numbers' studio loft, as if preparing for an MTV Reality show season, where death acts like Heidi Klum. And here death operates with a Rube Goldbergian plausibility factor several notches up from the predecessor.



FINAL DESTINATION 3 - (2006) ****
The Citizen Kane of FD movies, this is the one that got me into the series because it's always on IFC. Mumblecore goddess Mary Elizabeth Winstead is ideal as the survivor-psychic; when she freaks out at the roller coaster we realize we've never seen her so undone, even in THE THING!  She has a hot younger sister, a decently repentant boyfriend (of her dead friend) and an unusually witty group of cliché stock teen peers. Deaths are foretold in photos she took while waiting in line for the coaster, which is guarded at the front by a giant red demon statue (Tony Todd supplied the voice).  It adds up to a particularly wry entry, with tons of loving horror fan in-jokes (characters have last names like Romero, Freund, Dreyer, Ulmer, Wise, Halperin). The deaths are, as always, spectacular, leading up to a clumsy but amusing fairground fireworks finale with a runaway white horse, and an anticlimax at the hippest of all locales, la NYC subway.

THE FINAL DESTINATION (4) - 2009  -**
I have no idea why the powers that be decided to call this 'The Final Destination' -- is four a bad luck number in junk sequels? It would be forgivable if it didn't use 3-D as a crutch. And the climax, set in a 3-D theater showing a movie with a big explosion that will happen literally at the same time unless the hero stops it blah blah, isn't nearly as meta if you're seeing it at home in 2-D. Nice idea though. And occasionally there's a nice child's eye view sense of the dangers all around to which adults are oblivious and there's a great but under-explored side bit with a security guard in AA who tries to off himself, and all the while has a glass of brandy poured-- which every good AA-er always harbors secret fantasies of immanent death as an excuse to relapse (see my review of 2012 - Day of a Million Relapses!) - it would have been great if he did relapse, instead of just forgetting all about that brandy. Yo, finish your drink! Instead this installment is a little too heavy on the X-ray bone breaking animation (and unrealistic CGI blood) which only recalls that cable TV show 1000 WAYS TO DIE. 

FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2011) - ***1/2
This go-round we're on a suspension bridge with a busload of employees bound for a corporate retreat. The craziness that ensues looks good even in 2-D, and the nasty stressing of gore over fun in the previous installment is gone and, while less casual than the third, it's still got a nice hint of indie hipness about it, like a big budget Roger Corman production directed by Joe Dante or Lewis Teague. This time it's discerned that if you kill someone while on your borrowed time they can take your place, so the ubiquitous distraught douchebag buddy decides it's only fair he kills the hero's girlfriend, etc. The ending brings us all the way back around to the first film in a nice surprise loop-de-loop, showing death's wicked sense of humor and whole raison d'etre for starting this whole catch-and-release mess to begin with.

 Special mention to the hottest girl in maybe the whole series, Olivia (Jaqueline MacInnes Wood) who is killed while strapped into a Lasik eye surgery machine, thus ensuring I will never get that operation. I predict big things for this tall, lanky, at-ease-in-her-own-skin Elizabeth Hurley-Megan Fox-Sophie Marceau-ish beauty. I hear from Wikipedia she's already a 'fan favorite.' Count me in, except I once dated a girl who looked like her, but she wanted a whole me, not just a half. And she wore no glasses, and is now old and looks like Anna Magnani.


What, is that off-topic? WRONG! Only true, jaw-dropping, youthful beauty--the kind its possessor can radiate casually and without the poison of disdain--can allay the terror of mortality. We cling to such loveliness like we might hold onto a slowly deflating helium balloon over a shark-infested sea. Soon age, and show biz, and unworthy Svengalis will siphon the air out of Woods' loveliness and in a mere half-century or less, she'll be old, in another, turned to dust. Oh, Paula! Oh, Lenore! Oh, Annabel Lee! Oh, To stop time
for just a second,
those precious minutes of Woods' radiance
like grains of sand
I hold in the waves...

how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream? 
(- Poe)